dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true

So they finally emailed me.

Sometimes I feel like the whole world is against me, making me fight for what I want.
And then, the clouds open....yet there is no sun.

I hate rejection. I didn't even realize how much I wanted it until I didn't get it.

But then again, maybe this is His way of telling me to grow up - to stop staying in my comfort zone. Try new things. Life isn't always going to be the same as if it were still high school. But now, unfortunately, I suddenly have no urge to be apart of anything anymore. Not even other classes. 

"Nicole get's everything in life she wants."

Huh. Yeah, that's real funny. SHUT UP. Don't give me that crap. I'm a human too.



I just didn't want you to be ashamed of me. But now, I think you were right; I never really was that good. That's why you put me where you did, huh?
Who am I kidding. It's not for me.


it still hurts though.

I'm a Mormon, I'm tougher than George Foreman.

My BFF and I had many choices come our first Sunday as alumni of Timpview High School.
We could either:
1. Go to Young Women's and pretend that nothing had changed until we turned 18 and left for reals
2. Go to the Singles Ward (which we decided we were NOT ready for)
3. Go to Relief Society
4. Hang out in the library with the librarians who conveniently happen to be both our mothers.


So after much deliberation in the hallways after Sunday School, we were convinced by our favorite former YW leader, Becky Eyre, to go to Relief Society. We would leave the Singles Ward for another day.

Now, if you know my mother or I, you know that we don't much like Relief Society. Actually, I think it's just my mom. But growing up, there was always a bad connotation associated with RS, and looking back, I can't exactly say what was "bad" about it.

I was skeptical about the whole thing, but Becky promised she would sit by Danielle and I during the lesson. They welcomed us and embarrassed us, and everything was going well. But you know what, it wasn't all that bad! They even didn't do their "Good News Minute" which honestly sometimes makes me want to stab forks in my eyes...
There wasn't the constant annoying teenage girls whining in the background.
There weren't immature girls trying to make a point that they were above everyone else by not reciting the YW theme.
There weren't obstinate people refusing to shut up and put their phones away.
And the music was actually in time! Bonus points to them!

It was a good lesson on President Uchtdorf's recent general conference talk "The Merciful Obtain Mercy" and I was just loving the maturity of the whole situation. Seriously. I have waited quite a long time for people to comment using their brains and who actually have experience in life. I wanted to comment so badly, but I didn't feel it was my place as a 17 year old girl who barely graduated high school. It was a humbling because it made my experiences and problems seem minuscule. But I LOVED that! Maybe I actually will go to Relief Society in the future. Because I hear things I need, like this:

"Because we all depend on the mercy of God, how can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven?"

true story 

I keep my visions to myself

Remember this?
Well....it's been a whole school year. And I did it. (technically it's been for over a year, but who's counting)
Whoever said it's not possible was a horrible liar.
It wasn't even that hard. Once you realize how stupid they are anyways.

BUT


I'm graduated from high school and that sorta changes things.
According to the prophet, I'm free game now.
Well, they didn't exactly say that, but we all know that's basically what they mean, right?

This is just proof that photo booths with me and Asian are a bad idea at 2 in the morning. 

Yesterday we were just children

Can you tell I'm feeling a little nostalgic as of recent? 

But can you blame me?

I graduate tomorrow. Sue me. 

I like to call this little walk down memory lane:

NICOLE THROUGH THE AGES

PRESCHOOL

 KINDERGARTEN

FIRST  

 SECOND

 THIRD

 FOURTH

 FIFTH

 SIXTH

 SEVENTH

 EIGHTH

 FRESHMAN

 SOPHOMORE

JUNIOR

(which will never see the light of day and I conveniently cannot find. No but seriously. I can't find it.)

SENIOR

(which I also cannot find. Actually it's somewhere but I'm too lazy to get it.)

*can you tell my mom let me pick out what I wanted to wear for pictures? bad idea*

One thing I won't miss about public education:

school pictures.

And on my last year of these horrid things, I got a decent one.

One for twelve is pretty good.

When the truth is, I miss you.

"When's your graduation?"

"May 24th."

"Oh, darn. I think that's when [the person that I'm not even blood related to who I've adopted as my new family because you aren't good enough] is having her baby, so I don't know if I can come."

Remember:
     The time I broke your newly bought choker at the store (accidentally of course)? You turned Millie and your parents against me because you thought I did it on purpose out of jealousy.
     The time I was leaving Grandma's house after our family vacation? I was 3 and you were 4 and you came up to me and smugly said, "You're leaving. I don't have to be nice to you anymore."
     When we went to Disney World for the Hopkinson family reunion? When everyone was picking out souvenirs, I told you that you couldn't get a King's crown because only boys wore them and you were a girl. You ignored me and my mom scolded me till I actually felt bad about it.
     When we played gas station in Grandma's backyard and we took turns being the station manager pumping the gas into the coveted, beloved tricycle.
     Playing in Grandma's tree house in her cherry tree? You introduced me to cherries and I absolutely hated them. Now it's chopped away and gone.
     When we went to Seven Peaks and we both decided to ditch the scary rides and go in the wave pool with Shannon. While sitting in our tubes, the waves started and were bigger than we thought they would. We got separated and were scared for our lives.
     Playing beanie babies and singing Disney songs while dancing around the living room? "Poor Unfortunate Souls" was a favorite to reenact. We made a good Ursula and Ariel, you and I.
     When we had our first sleepover after I moved here and you told me your deepest and darkest secrets? We stayed up till 4 in the morning, talking about anything and everything having to do with life.
     My first Nationals 6 years ago? We were both waiting in the backstage line up area about to go on and our moms came down to tell us that Shannon and Ryan had been picked for a little baby girl. We jumped up and down, screaming our heads off because we were getting our first girl cousin to spoil till we died. After that, you took me up to the top seats of the Marriott Center and we rode our Heelies around the tip top even though I was scared to death I would fall and die. The event staff chased us until we hid and imagined baby girl names for our new cousin.
     How we both went through our first boy troubles at the exact same time? And the exact same things happened to us coincidentally? We helped each other. We needed each other.



     When we moved here, everything changed. We were seeing each other at least once a week. Regular family dinners and spontaneous activities were something I was not accustomed to as we never lived near family. But I liked seeing her more and more often. Lynns was waaaaay cool. And I was not. Let's just say I was supes awks and she wasn't.
     Sleepovers is what made us best friends. We have an unbreakable bond just from being cousins, but staying up and talking about our lives for hours at a time is something I will be forever grateful for. She trusted me with her most inner secrets that she has yet to tell people. She helped me through some hard times and made me feel important. She genuinely cared about me. We would talk about the Gospel and the fact that it blows our mind. We would talk about anything. She would help me put an outfit together and we would philosophize on our methods of babysitting. We went through everything together. When I was losing my brother, she was there for me. When her sister moved to Holland for the rest of her life, I was there. When she was having boy problems, I would give her the best advice I could. When I didn't feel good about myself, she would call me beautiful. She's been my rock and foundation for 6 years and running. Because let's face it, you can't be mad at your best friend/cousin. Family parties would be really awkard.....

But now you need a reality check.

And I'm prepared to give it to you, so don't make me.

They are NOT your family. And they never will be.

There's a reason we all have the middle name Marie,

To remind us that we are a family.
and you can't escape that.

 

What ever happened to the days of sunbathing carelessly in Grandma's backyard? What happened to us needing each other every single day of our lives? I'm already losing my best friends to college, I can't afford to lose you too.

slow down, you crazy child

Ah. Senior Ball. It happened....and now it's over.

First off, I went with Kent Schmutz. I could stop right there and you would know why I had THE best date ever. Srrsly. But really. I couldn't have asked for a better kid.

Yes my dress was inspired by Hermione Granger's Yule Ball dress in the 4th movie, but heck, I liked it even more than hers. So judge and hate away, but for me, it was absolutely perfect.

Basically last night was perfect. It was so much freaking fun. And it's things like this that will make me miss high school just a bit. 

We're just wasting time trying to prove who's right.

Oh man. This is like waiting for college acceptance letters all over again. I can't stop checking my email and then refreshing it 20 times in a row. I'm on the edge. I don't know what changed my mind a couple months ago at that fateful BYU football game, or what made me want this so bad, but now I do. It's now the most important thing to me. I guess it's the fact that as much as think I can, I can't handle change as well I would like. And this would be a comforting, secure thing as I embark into a new phase of life.

It gives you such a glow just to know you're wearing lipstick and heels

Well. It's over. The heels can be put in the closet now without regret.
I stuck it out all 4 years. Not many people can say that.
If you didn't come to the concert, you suck.
Heh. Just kidding.....but seriously. You missed quite a show. And you'll never see me dance again. So sorry about that. Only my family and my best friend Aubrey and Catie and her mom came specifically to see me, and that meant a lot. I don't care much though because I'm used to living my life on my own, with no support save from my mom.

It's been a crazy ride to say the least. I didn't feel welcome my first year and I didn't have many - if any - friends on team. I wasn't the best by any means and I wasn't fully invested. But as change came and opportunities arose, I found my place in the team and the world and worked hard to be a better dancer and person. I don't really know what to say about my experience, except that I've learned a lot. Like I mentioned before, I might not have learned the same lessons I did in band, but they were definitely different ones that made me a better person. Like the fact that sometimes, people won't love and accept you for who you are, and you have to be independent some days. Like the fact that you have to know when to step up and be a leader because no one else will do it. There are times however when you just need to take a step back and shut your mouth. Change, acceptance of the change, and adjustment are all necessary evils in this life. It's how you react to them that matter most though.
I've dealt with all kinds of personalities and all kinds of crazy situations that happen only in movies. My mom is now a master at doing my ballroom hair now {it's only taken 6 years}.
The fact of the matter is, is that the ballroom program is NOT band. It will never be. As hard as I tried, I could never get them to think and act the same way. In the end, I gave up. And it's okay because it was always my get away and release from the world. Act a little crazy and dance a little skankily with no consequences. Ha. I will admit, at times, I was embarrassed to be apart of the company because I didn't agree with the ways they acted in public or went about certain things. Selfishness, I feel, was accepted. Only doing it for yourself was an okay way of life. Some people drove me absolutely crazy. Some still do. But I love them all the same. I just hope that with me being on the company for 4 years, I brought a little piece of reality, love, dedication, and spunk to the team. If no one remembers me, that's fine. I didn't do much. My mom probably did more as she sewed costumes endlessly for 4 straight years. But maybe things I did like the two claps, the awkward hip bumps across the stage, and the beached whale will live on for years to come.


Ballroom gave me self confidence. It allowed me to say, "screw everyone else, I'm going out of my comfort zone and being the star of the show today." I could care less what people think of me these days, all thanks to forcing myself to dance as skankily as possible. It was a good thing.

Where it all began. Social dance in 7th grade.

Only 3 of us still dance.

Look what I found. 

Me and Mr. Purser.

 Chinese Latin Medley.

8th grade Advanced team.

My first THS ballroom company performance/competition right after I was added to JV two weeks into school.

Typical hanging out at Chase's house after a concert.

Sophomore year tour to Idaho.

Traditional team gathering at Burger Supreme after concerts

Love this girl. 

Girls pigging out in the dressing room.

Winter concert 2010

Team dinner before Nationals 2011

Morp with my BFF.

Varsity Ballroom group. Morp 2011

Student choreography night 2011. 

Die Another Day.

Soul Sister!

(before the ballroom was painted)

4th place Standard Division I with Tia and Marie 

Nationals 2011

Varsity Tour to California 2011.

I wanna be like her. 

1st place Latin Division II. 

The best JV there EVER was.

Nationals 2010 with Craig and Brittney.

\

Team yard sale. We bought our daughter/mascot, Sheela. 

The three amigos. 

Floor time for Matrix

Our first time having black ponytails. 

Nationals 2010

One of my favorite pictures ever. 

Our reaction when JV standard made division I

"do the Rachel"

Thunderball 2011. We swept. 

I do this a lot. 

Miss her tons. 

Roomies on St. George tour 2011

Last Thunderball take down. 1 am.

Best friends come to each others concerts

Varsity retreat.

Long rehearsals.

Winners.

Varsity choreography camp 2010

5th place in Lindy

Blowing the competition away at Idaho 2012.

Varsity argentine tango girls.

We live for sketchiness.

Rumba skanks

We just happen to be national champions. NBD.

Mangeant 2012

Seniors at Nationals 2012

Idaho tour roomies 2012

Division I dancers. Latin AND standard.

Assemblies are the woooorrrst. 

When you're the best of friends.

team pictures 2011

The real life Jungle Safari.

Bear World. Idaho tour 2010

competitions are exhausting

First time competing open in my new dress :)

That hurt. A lot. 

Alumni and seniors.

The people I should have danced with :)

Typical bruises with fishnet markings.

Chase's idea to have me on tour.

Nationals 2012

Your favorite wenches.

My favorite standard hair ever.

Senior number outfit. Morphing my 2 worlds!

Standard team after awards.

Oh ya know. Just team match.

Before our last concert ever.