I made such a big deal out of it and now it doesn't matter anyways.
But I don't feel like I deserved it.
People tell me otherwise, but it'll take a while for me to believe them.
I even considered not auditioning for the cougar band for like a whole two hours.
And then, dejavu happened, again.
I got a text from da father.
"there was a mix up. you are in. congrats!"
what was I supposed to say?
so now I'm slightly pissed.
I've had so much love and support.
like 3 people have sent me suuuuuper long texts of love and support and they cheered me up tremendously.
they have no idea.
He read the names off the list, and even before he finished rushing through the results, I knew mine wasn't on there. Immediately, my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach, but not 30 seconds later was I expected to go to orchestra, hold my composure, and play my music flawlessly. For a whole hour and a half, music lost it's meaning. I didn't want to be there and I was going through the motions. It took so much effort to bring my clarinet to my mouth each time. And then Allred yelled at me for not keeping tempo, even though I was watching him like a hawk. Great timing, jerk.
Then all throughout the rest of the day all I heard was:
"I can tell you're stressed, Nicole. Ha."
"You okay, Nicole? You look super tired."
"Nicole, you look kinda dead."
"You're probably mad. Or sad. Or both."
Really? I hadn't noticed
Yeah, I wonder why.
Maybe it's because I just spent my 5th period hiding in my car, crying my eyes out. I don't even know why I'm crying, though. I knew it wouldn't happen. But it felt like a blow to my level of musicianship. It shouldn't, but it hurt. I happened to glance at the list of master musicians today and I had to leave the room; I couldn't handle it. What am I doing here? Why do I think I can do all this? I'm not as talented as those people. I'll never be the role model they were for these kids. I feel like I can't be an effective leader if I can't show them how I've improved. And me saying that is ridiculous and selfish. But at the moment I don't care much.
this part doesn't matter much but 4 people genuinely asked me if I was okay. and when i said i wasn't, they knew i was lying. even if i was mean to you 4 people, i'm sorry, but know i'm super grateful to you.
The hardest part will be to tell you, because I don't want you to be ashamed of me.
This post is dedicated to the lovely Aubrey Noelle Snelson.
Aubrey was one of my first friends in Utah, and that friendship has never broken.
She is one of the most genuine, caring, loving, kindest, confident, spunky, and crazy girls I know.
Not to mention hottt ;)
The first thing she asks me when she sees me every day is how I am, and I know she cares. We are always talking about boys and boys and school, and drama....and boys. She's willing to listen to my life stories, help me with problems, and give advice. She's willing to make random Jamba runs after school and belt out Forget About the Boy. I admire her confidence in life and I respect her so much. I don't know what I would do without my Aurbrey (misspelling intentional).
After a long facebook stalking sesh, I collected my favorite pictures of us.
and I'm 78% sure she's reading this now. If you are Aubs, I LOVE YOU.
be prepared for massive amounts of pictures. But who doesn't love pictures?
Same english class in 7th grade. Fate? Prolly
She loved me even in my awkward phases.
We play dress up together.
Typical. Her gorgeous smile and my awkardness
This happens quite often.
She can rock any headgear
We are "one"-der twins
She invites me to her 16th birthday party and what do I give her?
But she knows it's because I love her
We almost get kicked out of Icing
We have dance parties
We strike hot poses
We bake her cakes for her real 16th birthday because we luv her
We go to stake dances together and our 50's attire
We are in the same group for date dances.
I think it's safe to say that we are the coolest in this picture
We go on facebook during English class and take pictures
We go to lunch together
I go to her 18th birthday party.
Sadly she can't touch me anymore since she's an adult.
We go all out for football games.
We go trick or treating together.
We go on dates together.
Not together, but with other men, together....
And this beauty.
This is my favorite picture of us.
I'm sure there will be many more to come. Because dis gurl is mah best fwend.
So Saturday was the dreaded All State Auditions. And of course it was the exact same time of our Thoroughly Modern Millie dress rehearsal. And of course half of the pit was in band and was going to audition. So about 10 of us arrived super early hoping to be first and get auditions over with. Which we did. I was the first one of the day, which prolly wasn't the best for my situation and audition but whatevs.
How was my audition you ask? I don't really know. Honestly. In general, I'm a crappy auditioner. I tense up, get overly nervous, and completely freak out, even though I shouldn't. And I even prepared in advance. I was practicing the prepared piece like a whole month beforehand.
My prepared piece wasn't horrible, but it could've been better. The judge lady asked me to restart after the first line, don't really know why. I screwed up the 16th note run a teensy bit, but we all knew that was gonna happen. However, those high notes?
I owned them. I played them like a boss. and I played them piano.
The sight reading should have been ridiculously easy but I over analyzed and....we're not gonna talk about it.
I have no idea how I stack up to people around the state. Basically I'm facing the reality that I'm probably not going to get in, but I'm hopeful. So everyday I've asked someone when the results come out, and it's only been 3 days since the audition. Clinton said not for a few weeks and then he said, "As soon as you forget about it, they'll come. So forget about it!"
But I can't forget about it. It's eating me alive and mercilessly taunting me in the face and in my dreams. If I don't get it, goodbye Master Musician - something I've been dreaming about since I was a freshman. I want my name in the band room - my home for the past 4 years - forever. It's gotta happen and I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't. Oh life, why do you keep me waiting?
Today I started filling out my BYU application.
And it was....exciting?
I dunno. It was kind of nerve wracking really.
You had to choose a major, and yes you could choose undecided. But again, the fact that I don't know what to do with my life is scaring me.
My dad and brothers found out and they kept on bugging me and distracting me and trying to "help" me, but I just got really frustrated.
What if I don't get in?
What if I get in, but I'm not in the Cougar Band?
What if I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life?
The major that interested me the most was one that had really no job options that go along with it. And my mom said, "Pick something you love to do and can make money doing it."
That was one thing that I think I don't agree with her on. What if I don't make money?
Tell me what to do.
The thought that my future is in the hands of some weird, random people reading thousands and thousands of entrance applications is scaring me to death. Please let this be for me.
that sounds like, so freaking stupid, I know. But I don't care. It's true.
8th grade year: I didn't know if I was going to join the marching band at Timpview. I didn't even know if I was going to continue playing my clarinet. But for some random reason, I did.
Freshman year: I hated marching band. What did I get myself into? Why was I running? Why was I in the sun for 8 hours a day for two straight weeks? Why was I sacrificing my time? Who does this?
I wanted to quit, but I decided to stick it out because I signed a contract.
I don't know exactly when it hit me, I think it was a culmination of the whole season. But especially at the BYU competition, I hit the ending note of La Suerte, horns came down, the crowd was cheering and I had the best feeling in the world. It was my best show yet. I don't think I knew exactly why I did marching band, but I knew I liked it. It was hard work, but I liked it.
Sophomore year: I loved marching band. Why had I even thought about quitting? Now the question was, should I go a step further and audition for drum major? I did, and I made it. I was excited but scared out of my brain. I just kept telling myself that I had a year to "train". All would be well.
Junior year: Band was well on it's way. I was learning so much. Zach and David were great Drum Majors and great teachers. Bao and I were prepared. I didn't think I would live up to them and it took awhile to build up my confidence, but I was so stoked.
Senior year: I did my best. The only hope I had was that "my kids" had a great experience while in band. I began to love helping all the freshmen and being drum major took on a whole new meaning. This band was special. This was my band. I loved these kids like I have never loved before. And we had the most amazing season I have ever experienced. It was quite a year and I felt special to be able to have gone through the journey with all them.