when it's hard to find hope in the unseen

He read the names off the list, and even before he finished rushing through the results, I knew mine wasn't on there. Immediately, my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach, but not 30 seconds later was I expected to go to orchestra, hold my composure, and play my music flawlessly. For a whole hour and a half, music lost it's meaning. I didn't want to be there and I was going through the motions. It took so much effort to bring my clarinet to my mouth each time. And then Allred yelled at me for not keeping tempo, even though I was watching him like a hawk. Great timing, jerk.

Then all throughout the rest of the day all I heard was:

"I can tell you're stressed, Nicole. Ha."

"You okay, Nicole? You look super tired."

"Nicole, you look kinda dead."

"You're probably mad. Or sad. Or both."

Really? I hadn't noticed

Yeah, I wonder why.

Maybe it's because I just spent my 5th period hiding in my car, crying my eyes out. I don't even know why I'm crying, though. I knew it wouldn't happen. But it felt like a blow to my level of musicianship. It shouldn't, but it hurt. I happened to glance at the list of master musicians today and I had to leave the room; I couldn't handle it. What am I doing here? Why do I think I can do all this? I'm not as talented as those people. I'll never be the role model they were for these kids. I feel like I can't be an effective leader if I can't show them how I've improved. And me saying that is ridiculous and selfish. But at the moment I don't care much. 

this part doesn't matter much but 4 people genuinely asked me if I was okay. and when i said i wasn't, they knew i was lying. even if i was mean to you 4 people, i'm sorry, but know i'm super grateful to you. 

The hardest part will be to tell you, because I don't want you to be ashamed of me. 

I let you down

I'm sorry.