I'm strong on the surface

This invisible scar of mine keeps reopening like a festering wound. And I didn't know how to stop this inevitable pain. Multiple events have occurred, ripping it open and closing over again, leaving new scar tissue. And it was simple things - a song on the iPod that comes up on shuffle - surfacing memories of a bitter cold winter's evening where friends and I ventured to the stadium to eagerly watch a rehearsal. I remember saying to myself, "I can't wait to be a part of this."; encounters with an old acquaintance in the hallway of the JKB asking if I was continuing on; music 101 classes where Bach Chorales were played; sightings of current rehearsals and gatherings of something I'm not doing; pep rally's where they play songs I used to. 

I thought I could do this. I thhought I was potentially stronger than that. I thought it would brush right off my shoulders. And on days like today, it didn't, and I just can't do it. It hurts too much. 
But it's days where I remember all that He has given me - all the wonderful opportunities that wouldn't have been available had I taken part of MY desires vs. His. My new and permanent job, my wonderful and pleasing schedule that is pointing me in the right direction in life, my social life, my health and sanity and low stress level - these are the things I was given in return. And that's why when I sat alone on a bench in the depths of the JKB, on the verge of an emotional breakdown, waiting for my Book of Mormon class to start, pondering my life after aforementioned acquaintance had walked away, I said a prayer. I gave in and leaned on my Savior. I know that right now, it hurts. Sometimes the pain is too much - the memories too emotional and close to my heart. But it's now that I realize, although not in my shoes, He knows and cares. He does. This is the process of healing and this wound will soon close, but only when I turn to my Redeemer. He and only Him can help me. And I am so grateful for that.
Guys, the Atonement is real. 
so. freaking. real. 


I'm gonna make this place your home

I've been so excited for freedom, for liberation.
And I got my first taste today.
However, it started with a moment of anxiety. We packed the boxes in the car and drove 5 minutes down the road which ended up seeming like eternity. Passed all the familiar sights, Timpview, Days, the MTC, the temple, and then we finally ended up in the parking lot. And I kid you not, I was holding back tears. In a moment of weakness, I was milliseconds away from telling my mom to turn the car around and unpack everything and get a refund for it all. I can't do this, I thought. I just. Can't. Do. This.
Reality hit me like Chuck Norris gave me a high five. I didn't want to give up my childhood. Because I realized that from this point forward, I really am not a child anymore. But as I settled down and got everything (mostly) unpacked, I got a hold on life. It won't be easy, that's for sure, but I've done harder things and I can work through this.

I don't know why this matters at all, but I just thought this was pretty funny due to the fact that I was probably the most excited of anyone in the world to move out and rebel and stick it to the man and not listen to my parents, and I almost called it all off. Anywho, continue on with life and go back to your business, because I know the rest of the world already has.


This unfamiliar road

I move out tomorrow. TOMORROW PEOPLE. Harumph.
And the harsh reality that I won't be coming home to my own comfy bed and a home-cooked meal made by madre everyday is setting in with a twinge of anxiety, fear, and anticipation all wrapped up in a little burrito. Within the past couple of days, there are things that happen at my house that I realize are very important to me; they're the things I will miss the most, such as:

-Coming home from a long day of work, and crashing on the couch downstairs to watch Dance Mom's or Hawaii Five-O reruns with the madre.
-Falling asleep on said couch and waking up at 1 am to go back upstairs to my real bed.
-Watching YouTube videos with Andy till we die laughing.
-Playing Guitar Hero with Shankapottamus.
-Impromptu trips for food to Wendy's or Cafe Rio or pizza with the big brother because we're hungry.
-Driving home after school and seeing Nacho rolling around on the concrete front step because he's stupid.
-Hot tubbing till 3 a.m. with my best friend.
-Working on sewing projects with madre.
-My mom telling me to clean my room about 50 times a day.
-Answering the phone and people thinking it's madre, so they continue their conversation as I try hopelessly to correct them.
-The construction on Quail. Oh wait, no I won't...
-Being able to drop everything I'm doing and instantaneously go babysit the chilluns when Shan texts me. I've essentially watched them grow up and I don't want to miss out on anything.
-Crazy family parties/dinners
-Family band practice.
-Teaching my primary class.
-Sunday pot roast dinners.
-Mom always knowing which drug I should take to feel better.
-Mom editing my papers when I can't take school anymore.
-DI Thursdays with Snels.
-Playing my clarinet basically everyday.
-Sitting on my deck, reading a book and trying to sun tan because I think since I live on a mountain, I'm closer to the sun and more likely to get brown (which btdubs isn't always true)
-My mom saying, "Oooooh, I like that song. Can you get that for me for free?"
"Why, yes Mom. Of course I can."
-Random family conversations where we all end up making fun of each other.
-Kevin being the only laughing at my jokes and comments because he's the only one apparently who thinks I'm funny.
-Heart to hearts with Lt. Dan.
-The fact that no one around me will know what COS means (change of subject, beeteeduubs)

Hey guess what? We're all still best friends. Even since freshman year.

good thing we grew up or something like that.....


And heaven knows, I'm not that girl

"Do you miss it?"
"No, not really."

"But you were so good! You really were improving!"

"No, not really."

"Yeah, I guess you weren't good enough anyways....."

"So I heard you were offered a full time job at the bookstore?"

"Yeah. I'm really excited! They really like me."

"But did you hear that [insert name here] got TWO FIRST PLACES!? We're so proud of her. It really just shows how hard she's been working.She's going to college to dance and that's alright!"

Are you kidding me? 
But why should I be surprised?
You have such a talent to, without fail, turn every conversation 180 degrees in the other direction and talk about your other favorite teenage girl. How do I say how I feel? 
Can't you accept the fact that I, like many other normal and successful students, am going to college for an education and to get a life.
I refuse to waste my time.
and my parent's money. 

If that's the way you want me to live my life, you will be spending ETERNITY telling me how to do it. I will never choose that path. I am me, and you can't change that. 

So if I hear another word about anything related to "ballroom", be prepared for my eyes to roll and me to leave the room before I explode.

Good day.
I said, good day.