I'm strong on the surface

This invisible scar of mine keeps reopening like a festering wound. And I didn't know how to stop this inevitable pain. Multiple events have occurred, ripping it open and closing over again, leaving new scar tissue. And it was simple things - a song on the iPod that comes up on shuffle - surfacing memories of a bitter cold winter's evening where friends and I ventured to the stadium to eagerly watch a rehearsal. I remember saying to myself, "I can't wait to be a part of this."; encounters with an old acquaintance in the hallway of the JKB asking if I was continuing on; music 101 classes where Bach Chorales were played; sightings of current rehearsals and gatherings of something I'm not doing; pep rally's where they play songs I used to. 

I thought I could do this. I thhought I was potentially stronger than that. I thought it would brush right off my shoulders. And on days like today, it didn't, and I just can't do it. It hurts too much. 

But it's days where I remember all that He has given me - all the wonderful opportunities that wouldn't have been available had I taken part of MY desires vs. His. My new and permanent job, my wonderful and pleasing schedule that is pointing me in the right direction in life, my social life, my health and sanity and low stress level - these are the things I was given in return. And that's why when I sat alone on a bench in the depths of the JKB, on the verge of an emotional breakdown, waiting for my Book of Mormon class to start, pondering my life after aforementioned acquaintance had walked away, I said a prayer. I gave in and leaned on my Savior. I know that right now, it hurts. Sometimes the pain is too much - the memories too emotional and close to my heart. But it's now that I realize, although not in my shoes, He knows and cares. He does. This is the process of healing and this wound will soon close, but only when I turn to my Redeemer. He and only Him can help me. And I am so grateful for that.

Guys, the Atonement is real. 

so. freaking. real.