For me, this is more than just a disease. It's a minor, temporary personality shift. I don't care about anything. I don't want to do anything. and hopefully it'll resolve itself after graduation. The fact, however, is that

i'm burnt out.

things that once were fun are now a tedious chore. Everything I do, except for band, I dread. and yes that includes dance. For you Dance Mom's fans out there, I feel like Brooke, except I'm not trying out for cheerleading. I just want to quit. It's not fun. I feel so horrible for saying that. I probably won't because that would be stupid and i'd be letting my team down, and I don't do that. But in all reality, I'm done. 
Mentally done. 
Emotionally done. 

I never thought I'd get to the point of not caring about anything in my life. But this is the real deal.
finishing strong is more important than ever before.
somebody give me motivation.


Spit happens

All-State has come.... and gone. And here is what I have to say about it....

I came into this whole experience not believing I deserved to be there. It was a weird situation and I was weary of being in All-State. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. But once we arrived there and I moved up one chair to become 1st chair third clarinet, I knew something good would come out of it all.

Our director, Mark Camphouse, was so freaking awesome! He was so chill, funny, and encouraging, but we still got a ton of stuff done. He picked amazing songs. If you care at all, you can look them up (Yankee Doodlin', Two American Canvases, Symphonies of Gaia, and Dance of the Jesters). At first, it seemed to me that my section was slightly arrogant. Althought not gonna lie, some of them still are and I'm not best friends with all of them. But I did end up getting to know some of them and became super good friends. Shout out to my new girl Andrea from Viewmont! This delightful young lady and I are friends and she kept me sane in the depths of the third clarinets.

Looking past all the varieties of people there were, the musical experience I had was priceless and something I will never forget. If anything, I am grateful I got into All State not for the recognition and the chance to earn master musician, but for the pieces of music I played, and the fact I am a little bit better of player having done it. Even after a day and a half total of rehearsing the 4 pieces, I was so emotionally tied to the music. I loved it all. And even if I didn't really love the piece I was playing, I loved how I had to struggle with some parts to become better at it. The concert was my favorite. No one I knew had actually come for me - to see me and hear me play, but I actually liked it that way. Call me arrogant, but I was playing for me, myself, and I. And I gave everything I had, just so that I might listen to these gorgeous pieces for one last time.

In the end I'm glad I did it. I don't care if the other people thought I wasn't a good enough player, because quite frankly, maybe they're right. But I'll never see them again, and I left the concert with a bigger love of music and band. Go team!

Here is my absolute favorite song we played. I cry every time I listen to it. If there ever were a theme for my life, THIS would be it:

Symphonies of Gaia


very very unbirthday

It's official. I've been 17 for 6 months exactly. Which therefore means I turn 18 in exactly 6 more months. Happy half birthday to meeeeee.

Today's "celebrations", was exactly what I needed. I changed my schedule and I now have absolutely no classes during 2nd or 4th period. I don't come to school till 10:30 a.m. But wait, it gets better. My 6th period is seminary which I got changed to BROTHER DYKSTRA! Chyea boy! I've been waiting to have him as my seminary teacher since he told us in church he was coming to teach at Timpview. I finally have him and I love him. I will definitely not be ditching seminary this semester. And then to finish off my day, 8th period is sweet ole' Varsity team where I chill with my peeps. This is how my senior year is supposed to be. Now ask me how much I love it.

And thenn, tomorrow is the beginning of All State festivities! Maren, Cami, Wendy, Jake, Clinton, Christian, and I are all going up to Clearfield to stay in a hotel for the weekend and rehearse with the best young musicians that the state's got. Woot. Hopefully I don't get kicked out because I haven't practiced as much as I should have, but regardless, twill be a fiesta.

And if you feel so inclined to come hear amazing music, then you should appear at:
WSU Austad Auditorium
2:00 p.m.

you won't regret it. i promise.


a nice humble pill for us all

"it's okay if it hurts a little. that just means it was important to you."

so true. in so many aspects.


Through chaos as it swirls

"The man from Tallahassee? What is that? Some kind of code?"

"No John, unfortunately we don't have a code for 'there's a man in my closet with a gun to my daughters head'. 
Although we obviously should."

Why is Lost so funny yet inspirational?
Why am I so obsessed?
Why do I now have a fetish with John Locke?


It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine

I know you already got an eyeful of words about New Years and such. But I felt like dedicating a post solely for my "resolutions". I never was one for resolutions, I never saw the point of them. And I don't really like to call them that. Come to think of it, I don't really like to call them anything, I'm just gonna do em. So here we go, things I'm gonna do.

1. Attempt at starting a healthier lifestyle, because I know when I stop dancing and marching and running, I will become fat.
2. Learn to cook. I honestly suck. But moving out will hopefully help me. I want to make myself a cookbook of my favorite recipes to take to college.
3. Learn to do laundry. I know. I'm pathetically spoiled.
4. Get another new job. I need to become self reliant again.
5. Sew more. Instead of asking my mom if she can sew the pattern I like, I will sew it myself.
6. Be more creative. Along with sewing clothes that I want, I will take risks with what I wear and be carefree from judgement of others.
7. Read my scriptures every day
8. Cut my hair.

welcome 2012. I hear you're gonna be very good.

You've only begun to shine

Welcome to my obligatory New Years post, where you get to hear all about my year of 2011!

(It's a long list, but this was a great year.)
Some memorable events included:

*I worked two jobs at the same time
*I fell in "love"
*I went to California with one of the best and my favorite Varsity ballroom team.
*I went to Prom
*I got my wisdom teeth out
*I left the club
*I became a pioneer
*I attended my last girls camp
*I got my heart broken
*I went on a boy fast
*I started taking clarinet lessons
*I celebrated 5 years since I moved
*I hiked the Y. Twice.
*I went to my second midnight premiere. and stayed there for 17 hours.
*I turned 17
*I got my braces off
*I embraced my white trash roots and enjoyed a good night of demolition derby
*I learned how to love
*I broke the rules
*I did the unexpected and took risks.
*I started my senior year
*I increased my love for clarinet
*I made it into orchestra
*I got a new dance partner
*I did the pit orchestra for Millie
*I applied to college...
*I danced
*I took on the white pants. and wore em...aaaand ripped em.
*I over came fears
*I lost my voice. Literally
*I learned about sacrifice
*I decided I wanted to be in BYU's marching band
*I was Homecoming Royalty
*I met my soulmate.
*I experienced the best season of fall marching band there EVER was.
*I went to Vegas and watched the best marching band show I've ever seen.
*I met AMAZING people and friends
*I got my Young Women's Medallion
*I went to Hawaii for one of the most incredible experiences of my entire life.
*I was on TV
*I was in multiple newspapers
*I skipped class. For reals.

Most importantly though, I found out who my true friends are. My elders always told me that it's near impossible to stay friends with the same people throughout high school. And for the most part, they've been right. But I'm glad they were wrong about some people - people like Danielle, Chase, Aubrey, Rachel, Nick, and Bao. These guys are my rocks and the ones that keep me sane. So thanks for putting up with me, because regardless of what you say, I'm a jerk and I know it. You guys rock :)

Albeit 2011 being a rather amazing and significant year in my life with me doing a lot of firsts and lasts, I am so excited for 2012. I have been awaiting this year since I was little. I never thought it would come, and here it is. This is what's going down this year:

-last nationals with my THS ballroom company
-last state band with my bandies
-last varsity tour
-last spring tour
-senior ball
-premiere of my clarinet solo :)
-the olympics!
-I turn 18
-I can vote!
-my patriarchal blessing
-DM auditions
-finally watching my DMIT children Jon and Christian take over
-senior trip?

basically I feel like 2012 is where my life begins.