This is war

the most beautiful thing about both music and dance is that if done successfully, the performer captivates you from beginning til end. The story told will force you to feel their most greatest joy and most painful sorrow, all at the same time.

I have now begun to stalk this poor, beautiful dancer on youtube.
you should too.

I know I've already posted this before but get over it
admit it
it's good.

so it pains me when you ask me to choose

I ask you how?


Run for your life

Nationals has been over for....some time now. Which means, my life is seemingly easy. I dropped Calculus so the only academic class I have is English. I can actually go home after school at 2:15 if I so choose. I haven't done that since, well, 8th grade. Sad. So sad.

So even though my life is just chillin at the moment, I have more time to think and ponder things. In my case though, that's not a good thing; I over analyze things. And now, I'm feeling  internal stress about the future. I feel like my life is currently in the state of an eye of a hurricane; like after 12 years of education and 4 years left, I'm only half way through. It's just about to get rough and crazy.

I'm stressed about:
1. Where I'm going to live next year.
For serials guys, this is bad (Plus, it doesn't help my housing date is DURING spring tour, possibly during the exact time we are supposed to perform). Do I go with New Heritage and no cars? Do I go with Old Heritage and possible car and the possible moving to New Heritage? Do I go with Wyview where it's far away from everything but I can use a car? Do I just live on the streets? AHHHHHH.

2. What classes I'm going to take.
American Heritage vs. Writing 150
Biology vs. Physical Science
Which dance classes?
Any suggestions? HELP!

3. What I'm going to major in.

4. Finishing government before graduation
If I hear, "What's your plan...." one more time, I will lose it.

5. Senior pictures and unimportant fluff like that.
I'm picky. Enough said.

6. Senior ball even though I haven't been asked yet.
Dresses, hair, blah blah blah.

7. Choreography night.
If my number doesn't get picked, I will be greatly sad. I will probably be offended. I will probably also get over it, but right now, this is important. I put a lot of thought, heart and soul into this.

8. And lastly, having enough time to practice
Yeah you'd think I have enough time now, but I feel so overwhelmed with notes. That time of year is fastly approaching and I still need to achieve master musician, get superiors at state solo and ensemble, and get into the BYU marching and symphonic bands.

I've always wanted to grow up, and now my time is here. But every day where I'm making more decisions for my future, I don't know if I'm more excited or more scared to death.


red, yellow, green, red, blue blue blue

two items were crossed off my bucket list yesterday

festival of colors (go ahead, judge)

crowd surfing

(Note: this isn't me crowd surfing, but my mom thought it was, and it looks a heckuvalot like me.
So we'll pretend)

Chase's teeth. Oh, his teeth. 

The crew. Whitney, Me, Chase, Kaela, and Tim

"Holi Crap!"

(yes I used instagram, go ahead, hate some more)


I want

a friend

to graduate

you to tell me my efforts are sufficient

you to be proud of me.

to choreograph a beautiful Viennese waltz. One that makes people cry. For reals.

to fall asleep in the spa

hang out and get cupcakes with my college-aged friends. Like the ones that graduated last year.

to dance in the rain

to cut my hair

that's not a lot to ask for.
is it?


business of misery

If you haven't seen me in a while, it's not because I dropped out of high school to join the Amish (although that sounds quite nice right now).
Last week was Nationals for ballroom (full recap post coming soon) and that took up about 200% of my energy. No joke. I think I went to 1 day of school. Total. Probably a bad idea, but whatevs. During that week, I was recovering from a slight previous illness complete with aches, fever, congestion, sore throat, cough, chills, headaches and all that jazz. Thank goodness I was almost completely recovered while I was competing, or that week would have been like going through Hell. But of course, as soon as Nationals was done, my poor body protested and collapsed.

Sunday morning I woke up and I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I could barely breathe, my throat was on fire, and my head was pounding. Although I haven't been in something like 4 weeks straight, going to church was not an option. Medicines weren't helping and the only escape from the pain was sleep.

This brings us to Monday morning. First of all, sleep never came to take me away from the pain and my brain was too focused on the pain to focus on sleep. I could hear myself whimpering uncontrollably while coming in and out of consciousness, but I had no energy to get out of bed and find my dear mother. So as soon as my mom was awake and could hear me, she came into my room to find me sobbing. All I remember saying through tears was, "It hurts so bad." She gave me drugs, I was knocked out and the next thing I know, a few hours later she wakes me up to drive me to Dr. Taylor, my cute old Sunday school teacher. The diagnosis?

sinusitis: a severe sinus infection
I literally have never felt so much pain before in my life, and I've broken 4 bones and had a metal pole stuck through my leg. My head is currently a ticking time bomb of pain and mucous. Mmmmm. delicious.

So anyways, the whole point of this is that if you think I'm avoiding you, I'm not. Well, I am, but only because I'm avoiding everything right now. I'm hiding in the confines of my bed, popping pills and eating ice cream. It's not as glamorous as it seems. I promise.


Yay for mediocrity

I'm sick of always being second best.

Actually, scratch that.

i'm sick of people thinking  i'm second best.

because i'm better than that.

I can dance better than that.
I can play better than that.
I can dress better than that.
I can do better than that.

I will be better than that.

Sure, maybe it's a pride thing. Yet again. But I don't care, because I'm in this for me. Soon, my life will be different and all y'all won't matter anymore. 


working hard or hardly working

"What was something that impressed you about last night?"

"I thought Nicole's solo was very good."

*nods and murmurs of agreement*

"You know, I've heard lots of comments about that. I don't
know what you did kiddo, but it must've been good."

"You know, you had better tone than your pardner."
yeah no kidding. 

"Why aren't you going to the school of music?"
good question. That's TBD.

thanks for that teensy bit of recognition. Not that it matters. But no kidding it was good. 9 dang months. 
Is that not good enough for you? What do I have to do to prove myself?
Is this one of those "method to my madness" situations? 
I don't even know who to put the blame on anymore. 
Absolutely not. I refuse. I'm better than that.