I thought we all were the children of God

The amount of tender mercies given and shown to me through Heavenly Father have been innumerable, and I thank him every day. But that one announcement has changed everybody's lives for the better. It is such a great blessing and I know so many people close to me that will be affected by this and it's countless blessings. Please understand me however before reading the rest of this that I truly am grateful for this historical event in the church, and cannot wait to see what will happen regarding it.

But in that last 48 hours or so since the announcement of lowering of the mission ages in the Church, it has almost been more of an overwhelming change of perspective and moment of loneliness for me. I'm not going to lie, I never had a strong urge to serve a mission. And honestly, the lowering of the ages didn't change anything for me. I can honestly and faithfully say that I have always felt a personal divine purpose to serve the Lord elsewhere - particularly through motherhood (and if you dare judge me for these feelings, I would ask you to kindly stop reading). But after the announcement and the reaction of all my dear, close friends, roommates, and new ward-mates, I felt alone.
I felt judged.
I felt unworthy in the sense that since I don't have that strong desire to serve a mission, that I won't be choosing the right path in life. I wish this was something that I felt I needed to do - something I wanted to do for the right reasons.
Why do I feel horrible for not wanting to go?
Why do I not want to go?

I didn't want other people to think I don't love my Savior, because I do.

I do so much. 

I shouldn't have felt that way, I know. But it took me a while to realize that.
This is why He is so great; After much prayer, pondering, tears, confusion, listening to conference, emotions, more tender mercies, a breakdown in the depths of my closets - the only way to escape my eager, future missionary roommates - and a long conversation with my good pal, Heavenly Father up there, I think I figured it all out.

"What do you think about all this, Nicole?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you going to serve a mission?"

"....I.....uh, well.....you see....."

"It's okay if you don't want to. You don't have to."

"For the Lord God will help me, therefore shall I not be confounded.Therefore have I set my face like a flint and 
I know that I shall not be ashamed." 
2 Nephi 7:7

.

It's sentimental the way you wave him away

"Dear Gabrielle,

How are you?

I am fine.

I like you.

Do you like me?

Check yes or no."

My life is like aforementioned story rather than the quote from below.

Welcome back elementary school.

Come soon college.

"As bold as I dared to be, I said, 'I just want to see you tomorrow and every day after that.'

I did see him nearly every day after that, and while I occasionally still worried if he would really love me the way I hoped he would, I also discovered it was not just exciting to be with him but also comfortable and satisfying. My insecurities slowly disappeared; I felt safe and accepted. When we talked, he looked at me in a way that was more than attentive. He really looked at me, as though he was intent on discovering the real me--what I cared about and what I really wanted."

Stephanie Nielson, Heaven is Here p.42

Kid, you'll move mountains

I'm the kind of girl who.........

buys Dr. Seuss books instead of new shoes

fractures her toe.

and then pulls a muscle in another toe

gets an 87% on her Human Development test.

goes to an Imagine Dragons concert instead of the General Relief Society broadcast....whoops.

makes blanket forts on the weekends instead of socializing with the world.

misses her 2 best amigos located currently in Idaho and Hawaii.

is ashamed she hasn't picked up her clarinet in over 5 months.

is not as unorganized as her mother would say now considering that some of her roommates are the least cleanly people ever.

wishes people would come to FHE so she doesn't look like a horrible mother.

misses the THS marching band.

is excited for the Abraham Lincoln movie.

joins ward choir!

goes on dates.


thas about it y'all

what a wonderful world

As the picture says, I was at that point right thurr. True story.
And let me tell you a little of my experience hiking the good 'ole mountain we Utahns call Timpanogos.....

It all started when last Sunday I invited good friend Nick to come meet my roommates and hang out at my apartment. We chilled and made paper cranes and on a whim, Lauren, Nick and I decided to hike the 11,749 foot mountain that coming weekend since that's what college students do, right? Anywho, we didn't chicken out of our plan and come Friday night at 10 pm, 9 of us met and prepared to conquer the beast. Our plan was to leave and hike during the night so that we might reach the summit to ogle at the sunrise.

We started the hike out strong and had a good pace going. Flashlights were bobbing in a single file line and every one was excited. Every so often we took breaks and drank water and feasted on granola and told stories and took pictures. But eventually, we lost two of our party. One boy bit off more than he could chew and had to descend back down the mountain about 2 hours into the lengthy hike. And because he couldn't go alone, his roommate volunteered to abandon ship and wait down at the bottom with him. How sweet. So we were down to 7.

But the story doesn't end there, my friends. Two more of our party decided to go up ahead without us. I wasn't for it; I knew all the potential bad things that could happen from splitting up the group and trying to take shortcuts. But would they listen to me? No sir. So we were now down to 5 smart people. Then whaddya know? Our friends had lost the trail in the dark, gotten lost and were stuck on a steep sliding rock wall when we came upon them. People finally got the message that sticking was together the best idea....kind of.

So we continued on our adventure and you know what? I was still feeling fine! Adrenaline was pumping and I was sooo stoked to get to the summit and see the breathtaking view I had heard so much about. However, our whole group was surprised when after climbing a fairly steep path, we took steps onto the saddle of Timpanogos; it was the first complete view of the city we had seen the whole night and it was reaching 5 am. 

Anything after that moment is honestly a blur in my mind. The feeling of unexpectedly coming over that ridge and taking in the night lights of all of Utah Valley was one of the greatest moments of my life. It was the best view I have ever seen, and if anything, it was all worth it for that one moment of surprise.

Photo credit: Lauren Walton

After reaching the saddle, we still had about another hour or so of hard hiking to reach the summit before sunrise. So we pressed on and by that time, my hips were starting to protest and everyone was feeling the pain and fatigue creeping in, not to mention the windy and bitter cold attacking our hands and faces. 

But let me tell you people, reaching the summit of Mt. Timpanogos was one of the most victorious days of my life. As of yet, I have never, ever, ever, done anything that hard in my young 18 years. That tops the cake. But it was so rewarding. The sunrise was unbelievable and just taking in the fact I climbed 16 miles of a freaking mountain was so cool. I did it, y'all. I climbed a freaking mountain.

[sorry for the fact that this post is getting ridiculously and unbearably long, but I have some deep thoughts about all this]

Besides the view and feeling of victory at the top of the mountain, I learned a lot of other things. 

1. After looking back on the hike, I realized our adventure was completely relatable to Lehi's dream of the Tree of Life. I experienced my own iron rod and the importance of clinging to the "Gospel". Without it, we could easily become lost (like our smart friends I mentioned). If we aren't prepared, we might have to turn back and give up. But in the end - through all our struggles - our reward will be so worth it. Heavenly Father knows we can make it; after all, he wouldn't let us do it if he knew it wasn't possible.

2. While descending the mountain, our group dynamics turned for the worst and nobody was happy with each other. We were tired, the sun was up and shining bright, and we wanted OFF the mountain. I myself was murmuring a lot (quite like Laman and Lemuel would have). We were about an hours hike from the bottom and each step was getting harder and harder as my body was screaming at me for sleep and painkillers. But we came upon a group of boys scaling the mountain like we ourselves had started just 12 hours earlier. They couldn't have been more than 16 or 17 years old. The interesting thing about them was that they were carrying a stretcher UP the mountain. It was a stretcher type thing that was rigged so that both people carrying it on either side had a harness around their shoulders. On top of this stretcher was a disabled boy, sitting quietly while the two boys on either end communicated to each other the terrain so that they wouldn't trip and fall. I can't tell you how humbling that was. Tears silently streamed down my dirty face as I watched this going on and realized what they were doing. They were providing the opportunity for this kid to see the top of the mountain because he couldn't do it himself. It definitely put things into perspective for me in a lot of ways. It was hard enough getting myself up the mountain let alone carrying another human adult. I will never forget seeing that and after all is said and done, I will forever be grateful for hiking Timpanogos that weekend.

I blame it on my ADD

There was a moment today that I was sitting on my couch, stroking my chin and analyzing survey results for a  research paper I am writing, all while in a collared shirt and cardigan.
And then I thought to myself, I am old.
Not entirely old, but hey, old enough to attend a college and get a life.
That is all.

Hometown glory

Sooooo, I'm all moved in.
I've been here almost 2 weeks and I'm gettin in the swing of things.
I went on a date last night and didn't have to come home at any certain time.

Having no curfew is supes awesome.
People don't like the fact that I'm from Provo. 

We have WAY too much food and things.

The roommates are way cool. And here's the rundown:

Sharon is super funny and we love her - Asian food and all. Every day when I come home from class, she is always skyping another new Asian friend for me to meet. The language barrier makes our situation 10 times funnier and I think this is gonna work out well.

Lauren is an Oregonian. Nuff said. She plays the uke and the melodica. She'll be my new DI and thrift store shopping buddy and she was willing to dress up in outlandish clothes a couple nights ago and walk around the dorms where we then met our next door neighbors. Mission accomplished. We already have late night talks and we believe ourselves to be hilarious.

Emma is super sweet and a riot. She got stung by a bee when getting the mail for our apartment, and then I laughed. Sorry, Emma. But that's how awesome she is.

Kahlie is also very sweet. We haven't talk much but I can tell she's really funny too.

Shannon keeps on saying, "you are guys are sooooo cool. I just want to be like you." everytime Lauren and I do something crazy. She has sweet taste in music and I feel some pretty outrageous adventures coming up with her.

My classes are interesting and fairly easy so far. I just currently love life and I know this is going to be a good year.

Lauren and I all ready for our hot date.

I'm strong on the surface

This invisible scar of mine keeps reopening like a festering wound. And I didn't know how to stop this inevitable pain. Multiple events have occurred, ripping it open and closing over again, leaving new scar tissue. And it was simple things - a song on the iPod that comes up on shuffle - surfacing memories of a bitter cold winter's evening where friends and I ventured to the stadium to eagerly watch a rehearsal. I remember saying to myself, "I can't wait to be a part of this."; encounters with an old acquaintance in the hallway of the JKB asking if I was continuing on; music 101 classes where Bach Chorales were played; sightings of current rehearsals and gatherings of something I'm not doing; pep rally's where they play songs I used to. 

I thought I could do this. I thhought I was potentially stronger than that. I thought it would brush right off my shoulders. And on days like today, it didn't, and I just can't do it. It hurts too much. 

But it's days where I remember all that He has given me - all the wonderful opportunities that wouldn't have been available had I taken part of MY desires vs. His. My new and permanent job, my wonderful and pleasing schedule that is pointing me in the right direction in life, my social life, my health and sanity and low stress level - these are the things I was given in return. And that's why when I sat alone on a bench in the depths of the JKB, on the verge of an emotional breakdown, waiting for my Book of Mormon class to start, pondering my life after aforementioned acquaintance had walked away, I said a prayer. I gave in and leaned on my Savior. I know that right now, it hurts. Sometimes the pain is too much - the memories too emotional and close to my heart. But it's now that I realize, although not in my shoes, He knows and cares. He does. This is the process of healing and this wound will soon close, but only when I turn to my Redeemer. He and only Him can help me. And I am so grateful for that.

Guys, the Atonement is real. 

so. freaking. real.