I thought we all were the children of God

The amount of tender mercies given and shown to me through Heavenly Father have been innumerable, and I thank him every day. But that one announcement has changed everybody's lives for the better. It is such a great blessing and I know so many people close to me that will be affected by this and it's countless blessings. Please understand me however before reading the rest of this that I truly am grateful for this historical event in the church, and cannot wait to see what will happen regarding it.

But in that last 48 hours or so since the announcement of lowering of the mission ages in the Church, it has almost been more of an overwhelming change of perspective and moment of loneliness for me. I'm not going to lie, I never had a strong urge to serve a mission. And honestly, the lowering of the ages didn't change anything for me. I can honestly and faithfully say that I have always felt a personal divine purpose to serve the Lord elsewhere - particularly through motherhood (and if you dare judge me for these feelings, I would ask you to kindly stop reading). But after the announcement and the reaction of all my dear, close friends, roommates, and new ward-mates, I felt alone.
I felt judged.
I felt unworthy in the sense that since I don't have that strong desire to serve a mission, that I won't be choosing the right path in life. I wish this was something that I felt I needed to do - something I wanted to do for the right reasons.
Why do I feel horrible for not wanting to go?
Why do I not want to go?

I didn't want other people to think I don't love my Savior, because I do.
I do so much. 

I shouldn't have felt that way, I know. But it took me a while to realize that.
This is why He is so great; After much prayer, pondering, tears, confusion, listening to conference, emotions, more tender mercies, a breakdown in the depths of my closets - the only way to escape my eager, future missionary roommates - and a long conversation with my good pal, Heavenly Father up there, I think I figured it all out.

"What do you think about all this, Nicole?"
"What do you mean?"
"Are you going to serve a mission?"
"....I.....uh, well.....you see....."
"It's okay if you don't want to. You don't have to."

"For the Lord God will help me, therefore shall I not be confounded.Therefore have I set my face like a flint and 
I know that I shall not be ashamed." 
2 Nephi 7:7


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