a song for a heart so big

Freaking out here, guys.

I haven't played in 6 months. And I've lost almost everything.

30 minutes left till I embark to ward choir.

30 minutes left till I play my clarinet in front of everyone.

30 minutes left till I play in front of my enormously musically talented ward choir.

30 minutes left till I regret that I signed up for this.

30 minutes left till the judgments start flowing.

I'm scared out of my mind.

But in the end, it's okay.

Because it's only 30 minutes till my heart is healed.

Can it be the way it was?

You know, I can't say I'm entirely and fully 100% healed, but I'm getting there.
It doesn't hurt and I'm taking the next step.
I have it in my room with me,
All boxed up in it's cute little package.
I volunteered to share it
I don't know why I did,
but I did.
Now I just need the courage to open it up and take it out-
stop staring at it and do something
It's the last step, and it's the hardest.
But I know He has been there every step of this long process so far,
and he won't fail me now.
Sounds cliche.
Who cares?
I don't.

"Things that are important to us become important to Him because he loves us."

and that's just the way it is.

Love to stay, tons of fun, thanks for nothing, gotta run

We've pulled out the Coke cap'n.

It's gonna be a rough mission.

Me and coke go waaaaay back.

Honor Code? question mark?

Who's there.

Visiting hours are over.

And you're loud.

Go away.

Shhh. The police can hear you.

I think my hair is growing back.

Maybe.

Can you tell?

wassssup.

I learned a new trick.

This is my "I want to go and do laundry but I'm too lazy to change into real clothes and there are boys in the lobby" face

First world problems.

can you tell I might be not writing a 7 page paper due tomorrow.
oh heeeey colleddge.
when did you suddenly arrive?
can I offer you some hearty meatballs I made this afternoon?

I thought we all were the children of God

The amount of tender mercies given and shown to me through Heavenly Father have been innumerable, and I thank him every day. But that one announcement has changed everybody's lives for the better. It is such a great blessing and I know so many people close to me that will be affected by this and it's countless blessings. Please understand me however before reading the rest of this that I truly am grateful for this historical event in the church, and cannot wait to see what will happen regarding it.

But in that last 48 hours or so since the announcement of lowering of the mission ages in the Church, it has almost been more of an overwhelming change of perspective and moment of loneliness for me. I'm not going to lie, I never had a strong urge to serve a mission. And honestly, the lowering of the ages didn't change anything for me. I can honestly and faithfully say that I have always felt a personal divine purpose to serve the Lord elsewhere - particularly through motherhood (and if you dare judge me for these feelings, I would ask you to kindly stop reading). But after the announcement and the reaction of all my dear, close friends, roommates, and new ward-mates, I felt alone.
I felt judged.
I felt unworthy in the sense that since I don't have that strong desire to serve a mission, that I won't be choosing the right path in life. I wish this was something that I felt I needed to do - something I wanted to do for the right reasons.
Why do I feel horrible for not wanting to go?
Why do I not want to go?

I didn't want other people to think I don't love my Savior, because I do.

I do so much. 

I shouldn't have felt that way, I know. But it took me a while to realize that.
This is why He is so great; After much prayer, pondering, tears, confusion, listening to conference, emotions, more tender mercies, a breakdown in the depths of my closets - the only way to escape my eager, future missionary roommates - and a long conversation with my good pal, Heavenly Father up there, I think I figured it all out.

"What do you think about all this, Nicole?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you going to serve a mission?"

"....I.....uh, well.....you see....."

"It's okay if you don't want to. You don't have to."

"For the Lord God will help me, therefore shall I not be confounded.Therefore have I set my face like a flint and 
I know that I shall not be ashamed." 
2 Nephi 7:7

.

It's sentimental the way you wave him away

"Dear Gabrielle,

How are you?

I am fine.

I like you.

Do you like me?

Check yes or no."

My life is like aforementioned story rather than the quote from below.

Welcome back elementary school.

Come soon college.

"As bold as I dared to be, I said, 'I just want to see you tomorrow and every day after that.'

I did see him nearly every day after that, and while I occasionally still worried if he would really love me the way I hoped he would, I also discovered it was not just exciting to be with him but also comfortable and satisfying. My insecurities slowly disappeared; I felt safe and accepted. When we talked, he looked at me in a way that was more than attentive. He really looked at me, as though he was intent on discovering the real me--what I cared about and what I really wanted."

Stephanie Nielson, Heaven is Here p.42

Kid, you'll move mountains

I'm the kind of girl who.........

buys Dr. Seuss books instead of new shoes

fractures her toe.

and then pulls a muscle in another toe

gets an 87% on her Human Development test.

goes to an Imagine Dragons concert instead of the General Relief Society broadcast....whoops.

makes blanket forts on the weekends instead of socializing with the world.

misses her 2 best amigos located currently in Idaho and Hawaii.

is ashamed she hasn't picked up her clarinet in over 5 months.

is not as unorganized as her mother would say now considering that some of her roommates are the least cleanly people ever.

wishes people would come to FHE so she doesn't look like a horrible mother.

misses the THS marching band.

is excited for the Abraham Lincoln movie.

joins ward choir!

goes on dates.


thas about it y'all