Off my chest

As I sit here and realize that the gap between the time I left high school and the present is steadily increasing, I can successfully look back on situations and actually learn something from them. Nifty, I know. So here is a story for y'all. Something that, as said above, I need to get off my chest. And because the other star of this story is gone off serving the Lord (as he is definitely a better human being than I am), and due to the fact that no one reads this anyways, I know I am perfectly safe in posting this- not that I care if he sees it because I am the one that looks like a whiny brat and not him. So, here goes feelings and stuff.....


Once upon a high school girl's existence, I was a junior. It was the closing of the school year, and I was about to become a senior. Previously being 4th chair in Symphonic Band and playing 2nd clarinet, I was preparing for the upcoming auditions. Once I began realizing what was coming, I got a little freaked out. If all went as it was projected to be, I was to become first chair clarinet the next fall. I began to take the audition a little more seriously than I had past auditions. But come audition time behind the Timpview curtain 'o love, I still bombed it because let's just face it, I'm a horrible auditioner. Bottom line period.

However, when the chair assignments were posted, there I was: first chair in all it's "glory". I was officially section leader and first chair. Everything I had been working for since initially picking up my clarinet at age 10 had paid off. I mean, doesn't every clarinetist (or musician at that) want to be first chair their senior year in high school? I wanted to lead my dear clarinets to victory and that was what I planned to do. But this experience for me was like becoming drum major all over again.

HOW IN THE WORLD WAS I SUPPOSED TO LIVE UP TO THIS CRAP.

Like really though, I got real freaked out. Do you know the caliber of first chair clarinet music that the Timpview High School Symphonic band played under Dr. Fullmer's reign? INSANE. That's what. And I wasn't good enough or ready for this responsibility. I will be the first to tell you that.
So, I picked up the phone, and called Miss Emileigh Norling. I needed lessons and lessons was what I was going to get. I started immediately.

And I learned SO MUCH in my lessons. Sure Emileigh and I fooled around half the time, but the other time was spent gaining more knowledge than I had ever  had in my clarinet span of life. I had never had lessons before this and it was an eye opener as to what I had been missing. My embouchure improved, my technique tightened, scales and sight-reading abilities skyrocketed. Life was good. I started working on an incredibly hard solo. I remember thinking I could play anything that was put in front of me. I wasn't scared of the black on the page anymore. In fact, I welcomed it with open arms and an attitude that I could use to conquer Hitler. Yeah, I was that hardcore.

Fall came and there I was, sitting in the first chair with my best friend Nick right next to me. There wasn't a semester of Symphonic Band that we didn't sit next to each other. With our new clarinet section of 2011, we were going to conquer the world. And that my friends, we did. Fall semester was GREAT! I was pretty happy with everyone's contributions to our section. We played Second Suite in F by Holst. I will never forget the concert where I got to play my first solo. Unforgettable. Then fall semester ended. That's when everything changed.

Christmas break came....and ended.....and with that came my last audition of high school. I did the normal routine - as much as I had prepared myself, my audition was just average. The new seating list was to be put up by DF during the basketball game while the pep band was playing. I, however, had yet another ballroom competition and had to leave early before the list was posted. Later that night after I got home, I checked my phone, and I found a text from who else but my band pal, Jared Larkin:

"I'm really sorry. Are you okay?"

uh....what?

I'm sorry, did I miss something? 

I also got a text from Nick who said something along the lines of, 

"Nicole, I'm sorry that it's like this. I didn't want it to be like this. I hope this doesn't change anything between us and just remember it will always be Nick and Nicole forever!"

Do you know how many texts I got from other friends just like the one Jared sent me? Too many to count on my fingers, that's how many. 

Okay, I don't know about y'all, but it sounded like I went through some nasty break-up. I was so confused. I go to a ballroom competition for 3 hours and all the sudden the world comes crashing down and people are treating me as if my family died in a car crash. I'M NOT HARRY POTTER PRE-ELEVENTH BIRTHDAY OKAY. 
The greatest part is this was on a Friday and I had the whole weekend to ponder what these texts could possibly mean, because no one was being helpful and informing me.

The next week at school was a bit awkward. I saw for myself what they were talking about. There, upon the corkboard in the band room, under the name of Nick Walton, was none other than that of Nicole Hopkinson. UNDER, my friends. Under. 

Well, okay. No big deal. I was second chair. Who cares? And most importantly, why was everyone making such a big deal out of it? People were defs treating me different and for what? Second chair? These people needed to get over it. I mean, I  had already gotten over it. Fullmer did this all the time, switching the first two chairs at semester when they were about the same playing level and both seniors. NO. BIG. DEAL.

I honestly was fine. I REALLY WAS. Until people talked to me about it, that is. 
"Are you okay, Nicole?" and 

"Are you sure that list is right?" and 

"Well I  think you're a better player."

I couldn't take it anymore! I started dwelling on it and thinking and analyzing why it happened that way. Because that's what I do- I analyze everything.
Was my audition really that bad? Was Fullmer disappointed in me? Why would he really put Nick first chair and me second? Everyone knew we were neck and neck on the clarinet, but didn't he know that overall, I was the better player? I was taking lessons for crying out loud - if not once, but TWICE a week. I even payed for them myself and managed to scrape up the cash when I had no job and no money. Nick wasn't taking lessons. Did he know that Nick didn't even audition for All-State when I had made it in? Was it because I was in ballroom as well and I devoted myself 98% instead of the desired 100%? Did he know that I practiced like a beast in independent music study while Nick fooled around and went to lunch early? Did I need humbling? Well I needed humbling only because he had placed me 2nd chair; up until that point I didn't!

What was his reasoning?

It bugged me. But the fact is that I let it bug me. I thought I was okay about it. But the more I thought about it, the angrier I became. I resented Dr. Fullmer's decision. My biggest desire was to march up to him in his office and demand to know why in the world he thought that was okay. I'm ashamed to admit that now, because that was not how I should have handled the situation. dang natural man. Let's just say that this wasn't one of the proudest moments in the life of Nicole.

My mom helped me think out the situation and eventually talked me out of confronting DF. I didn't get to play the solo in Elsa's. I didn't get to play the solo in Children's March. I didn't get to run sectionals. I wasn't technically section leader anymore. I felt like I was a failure to my section. I lacked confidence in myself and it ate at me until I snapped at people about it, murmuring under my breath. It began to affect my playing, and I even took my anger out on Nick. This experience should have made me work harder to prove what kind of a first chair section leader he was missing, but I gave up and stopped trying. It wasn't the best decision I've ever made, but it was a learning experience. Then DF told us he was leaving Timpview. After a couple weeks of pondering this impact, I wanted nothing more than to get the truth out of him before he left us. I couldn't decide if I was going to or not. Because did I really want his last memory of me to be whining, wanting to know why he didn't place the entitled brat as first chair? No.

So, to end a long story, did I ask him? No.

Do I know why I was put second chair? No.

Do I care? No.

Am I okay with that? Finally, yes. I am okay with it.

But, in a certain weird way, I do know why I was second chair.

I can't really write it out in words, because you see, you wouldn't understand. But the best I can do to explain it is to say that whatever the real reason behind this whole learning experience, it might have been for me, and it might have been for someone else. I've learned recently that sometimes the things we go through aren't always for us. There might not be something for us to gain, and we sit there thinking, "Heavenly Father, what in the world was I supposed to learn from this?" A lot of the times, we'll never know, and I think we just need to know and be satisfied with the fact that it helped someone else.

After looking back on all this and writing this post, let me try to use an example to help you understand.
When Harry Potter wasn't made prefect his fifth year, he was at first shocked. He initially came to terms with it, but I think it still secretly ate at him until he finally was told by Dumbledore why he wasn't chosen. The reason I like to think about more often is that it gave Ron a chance to prove himself and shine. It in no way downplayed Harry's abilities (it was only Harry that could do that to himself), but instead allowed others to succeed and progress. Now, in no way am I comparing my charming personality to our dear, fictional Harry Potter, but that's how I came to understand my own experience.
"You may, perhaps, have wondered why I never chose you as a prefect? I must confess . . . that I rather thought . . . you had enough responsibility to be going on with."


So basically I the only way I can cope with life is through Harry Potter analogies and pretending every situation I go through is as dramatic and world changing as his. But seriously, it's now that I realize that it's the situations like that in my life that were never even in the first place remotely important. While experiencing the emotions I felt at the time this was all going on, I told myself, "Nicole, in a couple months, this won't be a big deal, so why are you stressing out about it now? CALM DOWN." I really did try. But it wasn't until after the fact that I realize how trivial this whole experience was. I'm a little slow, okay? 

When I didn't get into the BYU marching band, at first I told myself it was okay. NO. BIG. DEAL. But then, unfortunately, it all played out like the situation above. It was only a couple, short months ago when I finally came to terms with the reality and wasn't mad at the world for not getting in. Not because I actually wanted to get in, but I wanted to prove that I could  get in. There was absolutely NO reason why I shouldn't have been accepted. None. (At least that's what my mom told me and she's supposed to support me like that ;). Dr. Fullmer even said himself that he would have put me in had he still been assistant director. But, the thing in, he wasn't still the assistant director. That's how life played out. And even though I see now why I wasn't in the marching band for MULTIPLE reasons, maybe it was because some other unsuspecting person was sent a tender mercy from Heavenly Father and they needed to be in the marching band at that time. He knew I didn't need to be in the marching band to be happy. He knew I wasn't supposed to be first chair. And such a wise father He is for knowing that. 

He knows what is best for us and what is best for us, He WILL give unto us.
I just forget that.... a lot.....


And that's all I have to say about that....

A little, old place where we can get together

For those of you who may or may not know, I used to work at a snow cone shack.
I know, get your laughs out now.
BUT
I really did love it.
I think it was the best job I've ever had. Plus, it holds a special place in my heart since it was my first job ever. I worked there for 3 summers and I will truly miss it. I got to make children happy by hyping them up on sugar. It was the greatest.
But unfortunately, I am on to "bigger" and "better" things, even though I wish I could just work at a snow cone shack for the rest of my existence. It really is the life, I promise.

Anywho, this is a post dedicated to my dear Surf 'n Slurp. I will always love you and I hope that one day you run The Barn out of business. Because they are jerks who deserve to go broke.


So in honor of not working there, I thought I'd share the common questions/occurances I often experienced at the dear old shack and the things I wish  I could have said to the customers in response.



A question I was asked practically 100 times a day:
"What's in the flavor Maui Wowee?"
What I wish I could have said:
"How am I supposed to know? It's a made up flavor, okay? DEAL WITH IT OR LEAVE."



An old lady was having trouble getting money out of her GINORMOUS purse and said to me:
"You need a place like a ledge to put purses on."
What I wish I could have said:
"We're a snow cone shack, lady. Not a 5 star restaurant. NO."



On the days it would rain or be absolutely freezing, we would still get customers. And they would almost always say:
"It's freezing!"
as if in attempt to make their visit to a snow cone shack on a rainy day a humorous thing.
What I wish I could have said:
"Yet you're still here getting a snow cone, genius. Don't come complaining back to me when your snow cone inevitably disintegrates in the rain. And no, we don't give refunds for disintegrated snow cones."



People would constantly drive up in their cars and order through the tiny, low-to-the-ground window and block traffic in the narrow Day's parking lot as if we were a drive through.
What I wish I could have said:
"LADY THIS ISN'T A DRIVE THROUGH."
And then I would have slammed the window.



"Can I get more than one flavor on my snow cone?"
What I wish I could have said:
"No. We run a Nazi establishment here. You only get one."



"Can I have a spoon?"
What I wish I could have said:
"No. Spoons are for cool people only. And unfortunately, you don't make that list. I have that list right here if you would like to see it."



A 12 year old girl who came at least once a day once asked me:
"You must make a ton of money! How much money do you make?"
What I wish I could have said:
"Oh, like a bajillion dollars an hour."
(Maybe it's a good thing I didn't lie to her and given her a warped reality of life.)



Often I would listen to orchestral movie scores from movies, operas or ballets, such as The Nutcracker. 
"Are you listening to the Nutcracker in there?"
What I wish I could have said:
"YES I KNOW IT'S JUNE AND I'M LISTENING TO THE NUTCRACKER STOP JUDGING ME OKAY."

It's a good thing I learned to think before I spoke.

Prune practices that ought to be prohibited

There exists 3 children whose parents are on a vacation.
Which means.....
Nicole is in charge.
And when Nicole is in charge, things get.....interesting. (Like really though, I'm going to be the weirdest mother in the universe someday, those poor kids....)
But really. It's Harry Potter time ALL the time; I made sure of that.

So, each night the kids wanted to watch a different Harry Potter movie in order. Did I argue? No sir.
But my little 6 year old, she only had one request. It must have kissing. She INSISTED. She wouldn't watch it unless we promised her it had kissing (good thing she fell asleep before the movie ended so my little white lie wasn't discovered....). But after her insisting this, I said to her, "A little too young to be obsessed with such nonsense, eh little miss?" Well she explained to me that she has a best friend...who is a boy....and one day she is going to kiss him and marry him. At least she's got goals, right? She's going places and has plans, which is lot better than I can say......
ANYWAYS.
I told her she should probably fill her life with other things to distract her until the time comes where she is allowed to plant one on a boy, many  years from now.
AND THEN she asked me if I kissed boys.
And I was like, "Oh yeah, I kiss boys alllllllllll  the time."
And then, without missing a beat she said, "No you don't!"
She didn't believe me. Dang.
And then I was like, "Yeah, you're right. Eat your dinner."

Sad day, Jose.
I think this weekend was a gypsy foretelling parts of my future and creepily whispering them into my ear while wagging her long fingers in my face.
"Nicole, you shall have 3 childrennnnnnnnnn."
"Nicole, you shall be singlllllleeeeeeeeeeeee."
"Nicole, you will expose your children to Harry Potter every day of their liveeeeesssssssssss."

Well, at least we know one of those isn't true. Because due to magic needle voodoo and fortune telling best friends, I will have 5 children. And hopefully I will be better equipped and prepared to deal with them than I can currently care for 3 children all by myself for 5 days.

After reminiscing on my experiences last year, I found this picture and had a good chuckle.

You don't understand how true this is until you realize YOU will be the one to drive to the hospital should injuries occur. 

Come to think of it, I don't even know where the hospital is.....

Nicole's world: Day 1

Day one and I've already attempted to silence them.

HA. JK GUYS.

I'm a great sitter.

It took us 3 hours and approximately 400 back and forth trips with 2 quart pitchers to fill up that sucker of a pool. BUT I TAUGHT THOSE CHILDREN PERSEVERANCE AND DEDICATION SO WHO CARES.

And it all ended in a waterfall of love.

I swam with a turtle. Deal with it.

Classic round of Monopoly. Where I technically won even though the game ended on a note of tantrums and accusations of cheating. I imagine this is somewhat how the real world will work...

Slip 'n slidin' like a boss. 

A cold, wet, boss.

I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing, NOTHING more precious than reading the first chapter of Harry Potter to 3 newcomers of the wizarding world. And then picking up a tiny, sleeping 6 year old in your arms after reading to carry her to bed. Especially after saying, "Nicole, you look like you should be in a movie because of your strawberry blond hair." 

I'll take that compliment, little miss. I'll take it with a big smile and melted heart.

1000 Taiwanese Proverbs

Life has a lot of irony. Like Alanis Morissette and her need for a knife when she has 10,000 spoons. Poor girl. Maybe this will cheer her up.

The point is, it was ironic that the girl from Provo, Utah roomed with the girl from Taiwan. Culture shock, right? Okay, more like a culture nuclear bomb. But yeah, I remember stalking the crap out of my future roommate and seeing all these Asian characters as statuses and just staring at them and just going WUT. But thankfully, Facebook can translate them for you at the click of a button! So I did just that and recorded all the greatest ones for your viewing pleasure and suddenly felt about life in a better way.

What are language barriers if you can't have fun with things lost in translation?



"Through the lens, we can often see that spread out of the feelings hide"


"In a two-hour hop dance crazy dance
Sequelae of foot pain is the first super super sour!"


"Someone asked me Suspenders look great where to buy
I can only embarrassed to go back ..... Taiwan ...."


"Willing to wait forever for the food in Taiwan"


"Temperament? Talk about it"


"But obviously only three postcards stuffed a bunch of people"


"Taiwan people when most United?
In the United States completely unable to find site ob 4:30 I really was too weak to get up and tragedy, obediently went back to sleep face book text relay ... My hostel filled with x-cries eight eight eight."


"It's freaking cold in Utah!! I just want my bed....."


And my personal favorite:

"I do chores in a hostel!"

We all did, hun.


Thanks for putting up with me and my staunch American views, Sharon. Remember when I ate your Asian food and had to spit it out because it tasted like a styrofoam ball covered in nuts? Or that time you gave us all Asian names? OH OH or when we skyped with your Taiwanese friends and they asked me why I didn't -have a boyfriend. That sure did boost my self-esteem, so I thank you for that.
Through all that culture sharing, I'm just glad we both shared a mutual love of good 'ole American chicken nuggets.
Even if you did eat them with a fork and knife...

Always

I started reading Harry Potter at the ripe, young age of 6.

We lived in Texas and a thunderstorm had caused a power outage. My mom, being the wise woman she is, brought us scared children to the living room with a candle and decided to read aloud from the newest book on our bookshelf. Well, my  bookshelf actually. I'm the only one who ever did any reading as the boys thought only Nazis read books. Welcome to my life. Anyways, I remember very clearly her reading the very first page aloud.

"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four 

Privet Drive, were proud to say that they 

were perfectly normal, thank you very much."

With all my might I used every ounce of my 6 year old brain to concentrate on the words she was saying and string them together into a story. We only got through the first chapter before my mom sent us back up to bed, but I was enthralled. WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO HARRY. You don't just leave a baby on a doorstep and expect a 6 year old to be happy.

So the next morning, I stole the book, plopped down on the couch, and didn't stop reading until I had finished it. And from then on, me and Harry Potter were history. Given I didn't understand it quite like I do now - I thought Hogwarts was a meat packing plant where Harry was sent to work and Hagrid scared the crap outta me - but I loved it nonetheless. Receiving Harry Potter books for birthdays was expected and when I had nothing else to do during the summer, I picked up my tattered copies and read them endlessly.

So in honor of my favorite thing in the entire world located just under America on my favorites list, I've whipped up a list of the 20 best things (in no particular order) about Mr. Potter and his many adventures.

WHY I LOVE HARRY POTTER:


1. Because even Hermione had her blonde moments too.

2. Eleven year old Harry just takes on Voldemort like it's no biggie. Eleven year old Nicole was still playing with barbies and figuring out how to match her clothes.

3. If Harry can have an arch enemy, so can I.

4. You don't need a best friend that's a girl to feel happy and complete. Two guys are all you need, really.

5. Because you become friends over beating up a troll in a bathroom. Now that's  true friendship

6. No matter how stupid Harry, Ron, and Hermione's plans were, they still went through with them because (most of the time) it was the right thing to do. "Have you ever heard of a plan where so many things could go wrong?"

7. It goes to show that anybody can go from a whiny, annoying adolescent to a mature adult. Case in point: Ginny and/or Hermione. Let's face it, no one really like them in their younger years.

8. The subtle humor that JK constantly puts in the pages. Quotes like these make my day:
"We don't send people to Azkaban just for blowing up their aunts!"

"He'd escaped Lord Voldemort three times; he wasn't completely useless...."

"It's obvious what this means. There's going to be loads of fog tonight." -Ron

"Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?" -Harry

"You can't give a dementor the old one-two."

"What now? Have they sentenced you to anything? Do your lot have the death penalty?" -Uncle Vernon

SPHINX: "You are very near your goal. The quickest way is past me."
HARRY: "So . . . So will you move, please?

"Just because its taken YOU three years to notice, Ron, doesn't mean no one ELSE had spotted I'm a girl!" -Hermione


9. I love that they say "skiving" class instead of "ditching". Because anything is better than saying "sluffing".

10. From what we know, wizards only start school when they're 11, and then they are done when they are 17 when at that time they are considered adults. THAT'S ONLY 7 YEARS OF SCHOOLING. Then they can get real jobs and go do whatever the heck they want. Maybe that's why this whole wizarding life always appealed to me...

11. Dumbledore's words of wisdom:
"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."

12. British children opened up a whole new world of insults to me including "eat slugs" and "get stuffed". Ooooooh, scary.

13. It's proof that class systems exist. Case in point: NOBODY LIKES A HUFFLEPUFF. It's true. Sorry all you badgers out there. We all know you're bottom of the food chain.

14. One word: Dobby.

15. Mafalda Hopkirk's name. She's probably my alter ego of the wizarding world.

16. CHO CHANG WHO ARE YOU. Are you Asian? Are you human? Where did you come from? I guess the only thing you're good for is giving Harry his first kiss so he doesn't look like an idiot in front of Ginny you disposable, love-monger you.

17. HARRY TALKS IN ALL CAPS JUST LIKE THIS. Well, most of the time he does. When he's angry and stuff. Which is a lot.

18. One of the Gryffindor passwords was abstinence. Thanks for that message, J.K. Rowling.

19. The wizarding world in the 7th book is what America would look like had the Constitution not been created. So take that, anti-federalists. Ha, just kidding. I'm just trying to throw my American Heritage knowledge at you.

20. It's where I got the name of this blog. Provided to you courtesy of Ron Weasley and Felix Felicis.

Too. Many. Feelings.

On some occasions, like today for example, my brain just shuts down so it doesn't explode with the amount of feelings that could potentially leak from the open cavities.
I CAN'T HANDLE IT.
So thankfully, Fleetwood Mac saves the day.