What If

Sorry this is slightly long. If you don't want to read it, fine. It's for posterity.

What if, what if, what if. THAT is what's running through my mind at the moment.

What if I didn't move to Utah?
                                                      What if I never picked up a clarinet?

What if I hadn't learned how to match semi-fashionable clothes?

                                                                                               What if I never became drum major?

                 What if I was never put on the ballroom team?

What if I had stayed friends with that
one certain person?

           What if I never had the Gospel in my life?

                                                            WHAT IF?

     Ouch. It makes my brain hurt. Does it make your brain hurt? Probably not. You don't know about my life. So this isn't complicated for you.
     But seriously though, what if these things had happened (or didn't happened as mentioned)? I would be a totally different person. I'd probably have no friends. I'd be a loser. A nobody. That was the pathway my life was taking. That's why the first what if is most important: moving to Utah. Man it sucked at the time. Bottom line: I had no friends. But I changed and grew.

I realized I wasn't as shy as I thought.
I realized I actually DID want to be in marching band.
I realized that moving WAS for the better
I realized I shouldn't wear tennis shoes and a t-shirt and jeans to school everyday
I realized people in Utah don't know what American Girl is, so don't bring it up in conversations
I realized how to not be socially awkward
I pretty much realized who I was. Cliche, I know. Get over it.

      And now. Life is sooo much better. But I'm scared. I want to curl up in the fetal position and go back to the easy days where I was the socially awkward tween. Its scary to think I have so much to live up to. Especially with being Drum Major. And it's not like I'm bragging about it. Exactly the opposite. Sometimes I wish I hadn't tried out and I could just be a regular section leader who might go for band president one day. Less responsibility but still enough to make a difference. I know I should just step up to the plate and just do it but how do I do it when I don't know anything?! David asked me today, "If you were to become Drum Major right now, and take over today, what would you feel less prepared on?" My answer?


Sometimes I just have mini panic attacks and freak out because I don't know what I'm doing. I can't do this. What if I screw up? Oh man, I can't screw up. Ever. But then what if? And it goes on and on and on into this cycle of consequences!

I'm glad my life has gone the way it's gone so far. But It makes me sad. I miss my old friends with no drama. My old high school with Texas traditions. My old house with good memories. Thinking about the path I was supposed to take and had been planning since I was 6 seems so far away.
-I was supposed to be on Journalism instead of taking band. I was going to be a writer.
-I had never even heard of Ballroom. I was supposed to be Clara in the Nutcracker in the San Francisco Ballet.
-I was supposed to be on the Belles Drill Team. And watching all my friends experience that breaks my heart
-I was supposed to go to Samuel Clemens High School like both my brothers. I would experience the normal Texas high school experience. Don't step on the buffalo mosaic. Make a mum for homecoming (oh mums I miss you!). Go to Friday Night Lights.
-Somebody lives in my old house and is swimming in my pool :(
-My old ward has been split three times and changed its name, but I still love you Randolph Ward.

First day of first grade. Yeah I'm cute. You can adore it. And I guess I did match clothes, but my mom dressed me. Personally I'm digging the sparkly puple tennis shoes.

And this is one of my best friends, Caroline. This picture is pure joy. I don't think I've ever been happier.. Just ignore the hair and clothes :)

And these are my friends and girls camp. Danielle, Me and Steve (Jessica). I actually have friends. It's a miracle.

I'd say I am reasonably well dressed in this photo. I've come a long way.
And this picture shows it

I guess I have to come to a realization that those "what if's" are just that. They are things I can't control. But still. Siiiiiiiiigh.

oh the things I was supposed to do.