Down in the valley

I came to college counting on the fact that I’d make endless amounts of friends. I imagined guys and girls hanging out in my living room, chatting into the wee hours of the morning and having the time of their seemingly perfect college experience. Did that happen? No. But what’s life if it goes how you planned?

For the past year, as much as I say I don’t care, I still think back to those visions. Will that ever happen? Will I ever have those college friends where you don’t even have to call or text them that you’re coming over- they just show up? You can automatically assume that any activity or party will involve those of your close group of friends. You take classes together, you sit in church together, and you actually hang out together past forced ward activities. That's what I thought was guaranteed for me.

However, after months of not seeing this come into my life, I realized something. 

That’s not me. That’s not me. 

I don’t want that. 

At all.

I've realized that my life lately is coming home to my roommate and her boyfriend in the kitchen, who are eagerly waiting to ask me how my day was and me doing everything in my power to avoid them and idle chatter. It’s going to sleep in a room with two beds where two girls live, but only one person sleeps the majority of the time. It’s praying that the kid who just eyed the row you're sitting in won’t sit in the available seat next to you because you really don’t feel like having a forced, fake conversation with someone you’ll only know for 50 minutes and then odds are never see again (hopefully). It’s taking random walks to the duck pond or drives around town because that’s the only way to completely escape everything weighing you down and all the stimulation that exists in your life. It’s coming up with excuses to not go to someone’s house so that you might watch General Conference alone because you like it better that way. It’s going inside the temple of the Lord and feeling sorry for the chatty groups of freshmen girls who don’t have the courage attend by themselves. It’s making the 5 minute drive to your house to hang out with your hip, beanie crocheting mom. It’s feeling accomplished on a day when your proudest moment was making something other than Spaghettios or a quesadilla for dinner. It’s considering a Saturday night crazy when you do puzzles as your activity of choice. It's being excited at filling up one journal in less than 6 months because there are too many thoughts in that weirdly crafted brain of yours. It's not being to stop those impulse online shopping purchases you often make because no one is there to talk you out of it- or at least talk you into the cheaper option. It's coming up with a list of facts about yourself so you'll be prepared in case some singles ward activity committee decides to make you play "Never have I ever".

Do I have the infinite amount of friends I was promised by traditions of other college students who came before me- the ones who had proven this theory? No. But I realized I have the friends I need. I have been given what I need and that is sufficient. And I need to stop looking for more. Because in all reality, my life rocks. I don't have to have human contact to feel successful in life.

So here's to the closet introverts of the world. Here's to the realization that trying to socialize is completely overrated. Here's to the realization that sometimes all you need is yourself. And some red velvet cake ice cream. And some Coke. Annnnd that's about it.