It gives you such a glow just to know you're wearing lipstick and heels

Well. It's over. The heels can be put in the closet now without regret.
I stuck it out all 4 years. Not many people can say that.
If you didn't come to the concert, you suck.
Heh. Just kidding.....but seriously. You missed quite a show. And you'll never see me dance again. So sorry about that. Only my family and my best friend Aubrey and Catie and her mom came specifically to see me, and that meant a lot. I don't care much though because I'm used to living my life on my own, with no support save from my mom.

It's been a crazy ride to say the least. I didn't feel welcome my first year and I didn't have many - if any - friends on team. I wasn't the best by any means and I wasn't fully invested. But as change came and opportunities arose, I found my place in the team and the world and worked hard to be a better dancer and person. I don't really know what to say about my experience, except that I've learned a lot. Like I mentioned before, I might not have learned the same lessons I did in band, but they were definitely different ones that made me a better person. Like the fact that sometimes, people won't love and accept you for who you are, and you have to be independent some days. Like the fact that you have to know when to step up and be a leader because no one else will do it. There are times however when you just need to take a step back and shut your mouth. Change, acceptance of the change, and adjustment are all necessary evils in this life. It's how you react to them that matter most though.
I've dealt with all kinds of personalities and all kinds of crazy situations that happen only in movies. My mom is now a master at doing my ballroom hair now {it's only taken 6 years}.
The fact of the matter is, is that the ballroom program is NOT band. It will never be. As hard as I tried, I could never get them to think and act the same way. In the end, I gave up. And it's okay because it was always my get away and release from the world. Act a little crazy and dance a little skankily with no consequences. Ha. I will admit, at times, I was embarrassed to be apart of the company because I didn't agree with the ways they acted in public or went about certain things. Selfishness, I feel, was accepted. Only doing it for yourself was an okay way of life. Some people drove me absolutely crazy. Some still do. But I love them all the same. I just hope that with me being on the company for 4 years, I brought a little piece of reality, love, dedication, and spunk to the team. If no one remembers me, that's fine. I didn't do much. My mom probably did more as she sewed costumes endlessly for 4 straight years. But maybe things I did like the two claps, the awkward hip bumps across the stage, and the beached whale will live on for years to come.


Ballroom gave me self confidence. It allowed me to say, "screw everyone else, I'm going out of my comfort zone and being the star of the show today." I could care less what people think of me these days, all thanks to forcing myself to dance as skankily as possible. It was a good thing.

Where it all began. Social dance in 7th grade.

Only 3 of us still dance.

Look what I found. 

Me and Mr. Purser.

 Chinese Latin Medley.

8th grade Advanced team.

My first THS ballroom company performance/competition right after I was added to JV two weeks into school.

Typical hanging out at Chase's house after a concert.

Sophomore year tour to Idaho.

Traditional team gathering at Burger Supreme after concerts

Love this girl. 

Girls pigging out in the dressing room.

Winter concert 2010

Team dinner before Nationals 2011

Morp with my BFF.

Varsity Ballroom group. Morp 2011

Student choreography night 2011. 

Die Another Day.

Soul Sister!

(before the ballroom was painted)

4th place Standard Division I with Tia and Marie 

Nationals 2011

Varsity Tour to California 2011.

I wanna be like her. 

1st place Latin Division II. 

The best JV there EVER was.

Nationals 2010 with Craig and Brittney.

\

Team yard sale. We bought our daughter/mascot, Sheela. 

The three amigos. 

Floor time for Matrix

Our first time having black ponytails. 

Nationals 2010

One of my favorite pictures ever. 

Our reaction when JV standard made division I

"do the Rachel"

Thunderball 2011. We swept. 

I do this a lot. 

Miss her tons. 

Roomies on St. George tour 2011

Last Thunderball take down. 1 am.

Best friends come to each others concerts

Varsity retreat.

Long rehearsals.

Winners.

Varsity choreography camp 2010

5th place in Lindy

Blowing the competition away at Idaho 2012.

Varsity argentine tango girls.

We live for sketchiness.

Rumba skanks

We just happen to be national champions. NBD.

Mangeant 2012

Seniors at Nationals 2012

Idaho tour roomies 2012

Division I dancers. Latin AND standard.

Assemblies are the woooorrrst. 

When you're the best of friends.

team pictures 2011

The real life Jungle Safari.

Bear World. Idaho tour 2010

competitions are exhausting

First time competing open in my new dress :)

That hurt. A lot. 

Alumni and seniors.

The people I should have danced with :)

Typical bruises with fishnet markings.

Chase's idea to have me on tour.

Nationals 2012

Your favorite wenches.

My favorite standard hair ever.

Senior number outfit. Morphing my 2 worlds!

Standard team after awards.

Oh ya know. Just team match.

Before our last concert ever. 

Father in Heaven has sent me to you

I was asked to give a talk today - on Mothers' Day. Best/easiest topic ever. And since it's Mothers' Day, I thought I'd pay tribute to the woman who birthed me - the 9 lb baby (pictures included).

  "Two weeks ago when sacrament meeting ended, I had actually planned to go to Sunday school on time instead of dawdling like I normally do when Brother Peterson asked if he could talk to me. Now we all know what he wanted to talk to me about. It was obvious that he was asking me to speak in sacrament meeting, and on Mothers’ Day of all days. My first reaction was, “crap”, but then I thought that since I’ll be graduating in less than 2 weeks, I might be safe after that to not give another talk, but I saw what happened to Alex Arnold, so I know that anything can happen. And I just hope that the bishopric notes that I did indeed give a talk before I graduated.

     Now the topic Brother Peterson gave me, and I quote, was “Why my mother rocks.” So I interpreted that as license to embarrass my mom. And since this is not a common topic and you might not know much about her, I will give you some background: 

     Suzanne Allen (now Hopkinson) was born in California on July 31^st at an undisclosed year that she will lie to you at any chance she gets. She is the second oldest of 5 kids with 3 brothers and 1 sister. Growing up she danced and played the clarinet…sound familiar? After graduating high school, she attended BYU like any other good LDS girl and married my dad. She traveled all around the country with him in the Air Force while raising 3 unruly children. Now she works at home as a medical transcriptionist. And for the past 4 years she has been trying to keep up with me as I made my high school career as busy as possible. People often mistake us and our voices. They claim that she sounds like me, but she is quick to tell them that I sound like her. She has a wicked sense of humor and enjoys making fun of us kids (all in good fun of course). Currently she has the best calling in the church: ward librarian. And so now that you know a little bit more about her, let’s get to the good stuff.

      In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, it states, “Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.” Nurturing means to care and encourage the growth of someone, and my mom has not only done this physically with my brothers and I, but spiritually and emotionally as well. She has taught me things early in life like that fact that boys are stupid. She taught me the fact that life is hard, so you should always wear a helmet. She taught me good taste in music like Earth, Wind, and Fire, and Boston for example.

      My mom is also one of the most down to earth people you will meet. You can talk to her about anything and she gives the greatest advice. When I’m worried about something or have a problem, I know I can go to her and she’ll help me through it.

My mom is a great friend and will talk to anyone. There will be times when my friends at school come to me and tell me how cool my mom is because they just talked to my mom for a couple hours and she helped them with their problems. In our family, our needs have always come before hers. She has dealt with things that a mother shouldn’t have to go through, yet she’s been the strongest woman through it all.

My mom has always been willing to help me with whatever I need in life. She is the most selfless person I know. I can’t count how many hours she’s spent contributing to the programs I’m involved in, and I can’t count how much time she’s sacrificed to serve people that she didn’t have to. She never complains when I ask if she can sew me some clothes or a dress that I want. When people ask me where I get my clothes, I have often responded, “my mom made it” and people are genuinely impressed. She has encouraged me to do whatever I want in life and I know she will always be there to support me.

     She is my best friend and I admire her greatly. She is a great example of what a mother, a wife, and a daughter of God should be. I am so spoiled to have such a great influence and mother in my life and I don’t thank her enough. I love her immensely and am grateful for everything she does for me. I want to be like her when I grow up and I’m sorry for all of you because contrary to what YOU think, I have the best mother in the entire world. I am grateful for the gift of mothers in our lives and our Heavenly Mother in heaven."

I just love this photo. It's proof my mom DID dance.

She's a hot, young thing in her drill uniform!

This woman birthed all 9 lbs of me.

July 18th, 1994

Blessing day

1st birthday

Easter (with the dress that she MADE) 1996

Four generations of Allen women.

Even with Kev in the hospital, she had me with her :)

The classic 4 generation picture

She was always comforting me. Like on this scary ride at Legoland.

Mom and Miss Activity Days.

She likes to dress up for Halloween too.

Diamond Head

PHPII 2011

Hanauma Bay on Thanksgiving Day

PHPII 2011

She's an expert on pinning boutonnieres. So helpful.

She's with the band. Always and forever. 

up and coming

14 days.
Two short weeks. That's all!
I graduate in 14 days.

I started addressing my graduation announcements and it kinda freaked me out just a bit. Oh, it's 2012 already?
I walked into the band room yesterday after school, seeing everyone preparing for auditions behind the curtain 'o love, and I almost teared up. Almost. Just hear me out. Soon, I will walk into those band room doors, not actually being a student. I'll be.... *gulp*....alumni. I'll walk in, and DF won't be there. Soon, PEOPLE WON'T KNOW ME. Haha. Not that that's bad or anything.... I'll just be a name and picture on the wall. But Bao and I were conversing the other day and he was like, "We're done. It's weird to think we're not the drum majors anymore." Soon, we'll be nobodies in the giant universe they call college. If we get into the marching band, we'll be freshmen marchers again. Heh. Won't that be a riot.

If you wanna like support me...or something like that, here are some dates of things not to be missed.

-Catie and Nicole's Senior Recital
Friday May 11th (tomorrow) at 3 p.m. in the Timpview Choir room.
There will be cream puffs.

-Timpview Ballroom Company Spring Concert
a.k.a. your last chance to see Nicole dance because she probably will never be dancing again.
Friday May 11th and Saturday May 12th at 7 p.m. in the Centennial Middle School auditorium.
Tickets can be bought at the door for $5 or $4 for students and children.

-GRADUATION
Thursday May 24th
2 p.m. at the Utah Valley University UCCU Events Center.


Just be warned. This is the first of many posts to come that I will reminisce about high school.

Whaddya say to jumping off the edge?

Sometimes it just takes a miracle like this weekend to snap me out of my bad moods. Angels? Well, not quite. But close enough that it might as well be.

Saturday was great. There were tears, yes of course. But there was laughter, and unity, and love love ALL around. No offense ballroom, but we don't got that. Not to the Timpview Band level.

I held it in all day, not thinking too hard about the situation. The fact that this was my last performance with these kiddos. But I lost it during the band nap while listening to DF's soothing voice, speaking words of wisdom. I think it was about the time he said, "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world right now than here with you guys," when I was overcome with wracking sobs and sniffles.

Bandimonies were rough, but awesome as always. And my favorite part of the day besides the performance? Maren pulling out "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" and reading it to the whole band. It was priceless and unforgettable. By that time, there wasn't a dry eye at Lehi High School, even from da father.

The performance was beyond describable. It wasn't as emotional as the spring concert because all initial shock was lost and emotions weren't as raw, but that was good for us. We were focused, alert, passionate, and ready to play. Celebration, not lamentation. That's what happened. It was something I'll never forget. It was perfect.

 I love my band. So proud of them. Honestly, I sometimes wish I could go back and do all 4 years over again. I'll miss it that much.

Stealing John Wilson's glasses to get bug eyes. 

Listening to beautiful music at State Band with my peeps

John's pretty cool.

And so is Jared.

 

The horn section rapping during skits. 

They're pretty fly for white guys.

Our friends from Whitehorse HS performing

We channeled the force of Beetdiggin Dan. 

(but seriously, who has beetdiggers as their mascot?! pathetic)

Some of my favorite people after the performance

Our section is very welcoming of many diversities and minorities in the world.

We build pyramids. 

The seniors and Eli.

Our finished product 

First clarinets.

The guy that's stuck with me through thick and thin.

Timpview Symphonic Band Clarinets 2011-2012

If for anything, I stayed because of them. 

and I knew I made the right decision because of them.

Love these guys. 

You bleed just to know you're alive

Having nightmares.
Real nightmares.
Can't sleep.
Got tagged in a stupid post.
Reminded me that life SUCKS.
Thanks for that.
That was real sensitive.
Thanks for making me the sacrificial lamb.
Once freaking again.
I just want to die (figuratively, not literally)
death by water.
dear assassin,
come at me, bro.


"You think you can do these things, but you just can't, Nemo"
Cried and talked to my mom for an hour about it.
Thought it wasn't gonna affect me that much.
Thought I was stronger.
thought I could do these things
But I can't do it.
I just can't.
I just want 2:30 on Saturday to come sooner.
Then everything in the world will go away.
Can't wait for Elsa's.
tears of celebration rather than lamentation.


"just keep swimming."

It's not faith if you use your eyes

Life is hard sometimes.
It's full of inevitable decisions to be made and people to please. But the tricky thing is, I usually make decisions that I know are right, but it never pleases anybody.

Months ago, upon finding out State Band and Varsity Tour were the same week, a familiar groan filled my room.
Of course.
What else is new?
I've lived with stuff like this for 4 straight years. But I've always made it work. Both sides were never 100% charged with happiness, but they had to live with it. Most of the time, ballroom got shafted. Band was (and is) my top priority. But from the band side of things, I wasn't always there as much as I would have liked to be because I was busy making people happy.

"We'll make it work" my mom said.
A plane ticket from Long Beach to SLC was only $80. It could work. It didn't seem like a bad idea. I'd drive down with the team, compete at the competition, play around with them for a day or two, get a cab to take me to the airport and fly to Salt Lake Friday morning to join the band just in time for state.
But it didn't feel right.
Something about this whole process was just eating at me. And people on team kept nagging, questioning how I would make it happen. Not going on the trip was NOT an option, so I mentioned the proposal to quiet them, trying to convince the team and my own mind this would happen, yet still unsettled myself. Besides the fact that the tour would be just a $350 vacation to SoCal  (which, after being in band for 4 years, went against everything I'd ever been taught), I decided that all arrows pointed towards me staying the week in good 'ole P-Town to chill my band peeps. When asked about my decision by few people, I myself didn't even have an answer, but I knew regardless it was right.

And then came the day that was probably on the list of top 5 saddest days of my life. Instantly, I knew why I made the decision I had. I knew that the nagging, unsettled discomfort attacking my heart and brain was a nudging of the Spirit to help me make this decision. Cliche, I know, but I couldn't deny it. How was I supposed to leave my band for a week, miss the last rehearsals EVER (and yes, ever. No exaggerations there), show up hours before one of the last performances EVER, and expect it to be something special. I couldn't do that to them. Not like they need me or think of me as that important or anything, but I felt like I owed it to them. I owe them my best after them giving me the best 4 years of my life.

So here we are - the week of departure, the week of showtime, Timpview. People are still oblivious to what has been happening, and I don't blame them. I don't shout things off the mountain top to get attention (I just write here!). Every day without fail will I hear the phrase, "you're not going?!"
So in case any of y'all were reading this and didn't hear, no. I am not going.
Yet I still get crap about it.  I miss opportunities and sacrifice activities in band, and I get accused of choosing band over dance - loving them more than my team. I hear choruses of my so called non existent commitment and level of devotion to them. I fight the battle of prioritizing activities and conflicts.
However true that may be, I can't deny the fact that I have also had the best 4 years with my team. It has taught me a lot. Not all good things, but it taught me lessons band and DF never could. And despite how much I may have complained recently, I wouldn't have changed anything - coaches, team members, changes, curveballs, and all.

and it hurts. The fact that they think I don't care about them. I couldn't bare to watch them rehearse, all of them giggling about the plans for the trip. It was nothing new, but I felt like an outcast, shoved to the side, looked down upon. And I know for a fact some of them are actually happy I'm not going. Did I expect my senior year on team to turn out like this? Heck no. Months ago I was dreaming of playing in California with all of them, but it doesn't always happen the way you think it will.

Dr. Fullmer even talked to me about it for a bit. "Is it true your dance team is going to California without you?" was then followed by a shy nod from me and an "I'm sorry. It shouldn't be like that." and then silence. I almost cried, because at that moment I just wanted to scream to him that it doesn't matter!

I'm where I'm supposed to be!

I love the band SO FREAKING MUCH that I would do anything for them. ANYTHING.

So no matter how many "we'll miss you so much, Nicole!"'s I hear, it doesn't help anything. Because the time will come, and the bus will leave without me, and I will make my own paradise on the Jordan High School  stage with my absolute favorite people in the world, doing the thing I love most.
And in the end, I know what I chose was right. And I will never regret it.